curious and open

i was up till the wee hours of the morning this first sunday of june. soon enough, half of the year is done and dealt with.  soon enough, another candle would be placed on the cake.  bwahahaha!

the street party last night was great!  am not a lot, really, into street parties, i would rather have a quiet wine and dine thing, but the lure was set, the bait was poised and i succumbed.  thanks, jay, it was all worth going for the hook, line and sinker!  i had a blast!

i could not sleep right away, there were prayers to say, pleas to utter. and in the silence of my dark dawning day, i find myself weak and fragile.  and can just see, tho not quite touch yet, this brewin' feelin'.  i guess, this is what life is all about, at least this life i got, the dealing with emotions that are sometimes, threatening to expose the self, literally and figuratively.  bwahahaha!

i had a nice soliloquy, i felt somebody was listening, too.  tried talking myself out of the impending cacophony of pleasure and pain.  for the longest time, i have grown numb and somehow was able to ignore any feeling of trying to hope for a promised future.  as one friend puts it, when he denied me of a promise: i do not have all the answers you ask and am sorry that i cannot offer you the permanence you so truly deserve.  hmmmm, is there really such a thing as permanence?  but i know exactly what he meant.  well, maybe i am the only person that has been deprived of permanence in terms of relationships, or maybe that i do not deserve one, who knows?  i don't.  bwahahaha! afterall, life itself is not permanent, so must relationships be?

so for this weekend, before the sun is even high enough for shadows, i stay awake and dig deep.  inspite of all the impermanence i have been subjected to, in the first half of my century, i still know this for sure:  when i wake up tomorrow, i will still stay curious, open and willing to ask and learn.  and i will remember where to go with my questions and rest when i do not understand the answers.

 life, like what i always say, is good!  bwahahaha!