wild and mysterious

 i catch myself staring blankly at my lappy's screen. i feel like one girl standing with my toes dipped into the edge of a divine dream that has been placed in my heart, for reasons that sometimes are unknown to me.

sometimes, i catch myself glancing over my shoulders and wondering what everyone thinks when every now and then, i take the dive into the deep. and i always feel that when i hesitate and take that poise, i suspend, postpone and interrupt what might be one of the most powerful heart moments of my life.

so i get on to my resolve:  go for it!
will people understand?  nope!
will they cheer?  a few yes, most no.
will i get a trophy, or better yet a crown?  not in my lifetime.

however unconformist i act and sound, i also long to be understood and accepted.  i also love to hear it when people get it  and  know just what i mean.

but this life i lead is always wild and mysterious, i always feel misunderstood.  what of being told i am irritating just because i speak passionately about environment stewardship?  when i do not understand why people i look up to who seem to have it all, also always have all the reasons to complain about: the sun when it shows, the rain when it pours, the wind when it blows, the leaves when they fall. . .i somehow understand why a god has to be omnipotent!  and i am not god! bwahahaha!

i sometimes tell my closest of friends my worst fear:  having my heart misunderstood.  and that fear has come true a lot of times.  over and over.  and despite my best efforts, it will happen again.

but the past few days and events made me come to understand that being brave and courageous means moving forward when no one - including the self, has a clue where am going.

if i try to make everyone understand, i will stand still in my life.  so i leap into the fear, step into the spotlight, dive into my dream.

when i lay down my desire to have everyone's approval, it is the hardest thing to do, but the most freeing.

and tomorrow, i will do it again. bwahahaha!

i may not see the whole plan, which maybe beyond what i can comprehend, but that you are with me is all that i really need to know.  and life is good!