Tuesday, November 27, 2012

goodbye B

i know B.
i spent years listening, paying attention to her.  i woke up to the sound of her voice in the morning, calling me from a too-full calendar.  i drifted off, floated to sleep with her whispering, murmuring in my ear that everything still had not been enough.
B is not especially nice nor pleasant, but i kept her around. for a long, long time.
because she told me this:  i am proof, evidence that you are important.  if you do not have me in your life, what will people think?
so i put up with her demands, her weight.  bwahahaha!  her bossiness, her accusations, all those blames.
then, over time, i slowly stopped listening to her.  i noticed, my calendar got cleaner, though not spotless.  my breaths got deeper, though not bottomless.  my life got better, yes, maybe even the best.
this morning, sitting over my journal with a cup of coffee in my hand (a luxury of time i denied myself for years), i took a moment to consider what had changed.  what had i started believing instead?  who am i living with now?  now that B is gone?
i realized at some point i had heard you whisper this to my heart:  your work is not your worth.
and day by day, i had begun to believe like it was true - and then eventually to start acting like it, too.
this morning, i asked quietly, what is my work, then?
and i wrote this:  my work is an expression of love for you.
my eyes started to well with tears, grateful tears, again.  for who but you can change a heart that much?
but somehow it had happened.  and it has changed everything for me.
oh, i still struggle.  yes.  i would be lying if i did not tell you there were still days of being overwhelmed.  but more and more of the time, B is not around.
when she is not with me, i am not sure where she goes. . . and am worried she may have snuck off to bother you.
so if she is there, let me tell you:  she is not what she seems.  and she cannot deliver what she promises.  escort her to the door and lock it behind you.  you do not need her.
you are loved, chosen, valued already and just as you are.
am saying good bye to B and smacked her on the behind as she heads out the door.  silly B.
do not worry about her - she will find more to do.
and you?  find that journal and cup of coffee.  walk the green path twice today.  listen to the blue jay, am sure she misses you.  look up and watch the narra blossoms drop like yellow summer snow. . .then sit down with the author of life who is waiting to write new things on your heart. . .and your calendar.
ps.  in case you wonder who B is, B is Busy, not bidibidi, ok?  bwahahaha!

ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥     

Sunday, November 18, 2012

one you

hey you!
there is just one you.
and you have no more than one life.
make the most of it, starting now.
you have to make a choice to live differently and with purpose.
there will never be a right or wrong time to start.
there will never be time when things get back to usual or ordinary.
but here's the good news:
it is also never too late - and it is not as difficult as you are afraid it will be.
so get up and get on!
the world awaits!  i do, too!

ilysm, i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥

Friday, November 9, 2012

inked in green

i step out, walk and experience:
the teachings are written not in the book alone, but on trees and flowers and rain and stars.

so i go out and gather it all up. . .
and lay it on the old round marble table
a document, giving proof of the grace creation,

i run my unfurled fingers across
and feel all textures
and see all hues
and read the script all over it
the gospel inked in green.
i call your name,
i promise, it will only take a moment.  
just put on those slippers,
or maybe go barefoot, 
open the door and step out into it all.
and stand, yes, even if only just for a moment,
reading the grace gospel in green.

thank you for making me walk on the green path!  ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥

Sunday, November 4, 2012

what really matters

my voice sounded flustered and embarrassed, i got so engrossed and absorbed in my patchwork, my 2/100 joy quilts project, and totally lost track of time.  what is the matter with me?
i get caught with my own thoughts / questions, i do not know why it certainly bugs me so much when people are rude in a movie house queue.  am so sensitive.  what is the matter with me?
sometimes, i think to myself, i cannot believe i missed that detail!  other people are so thorough and particular.  what is the matter with me?
all the questions i asked myself, all those scenes and settings, i asked myself what is the matter with me?  like i was saying something is wrong with me.
but it led me to a deeper thinking and assessment, instead of being flippant and dismissive about it, i may need to ask, what does it say about what really matters to me?
and sure enough, i see the values hiding in them:
-i value my art and creativity.
-kindness is still important even in this chaotic world of rush.
-the big picture is worth more than the detail.

i have core values that guide my life.  they are usually tied up to the core strengths that the force has given me.  and because of that, they are not likely to change.  nor should they.
i often realize, i am with limited time, resources and energy, i cannot have it all, all at once.  so i have to make choices everyday based on what matters most.
for example, i pick between a dust-free living room or extra time for my art.  i cannot do both.  but i give myself permission to know i need folks to help me in certain areas, so i have manilyn to dust my furniture and scrub my wooden floors.  bwahahaha!
i want to live with my trees and enjoy each moment with the freshness and shade they give me, and live with the fallen leaves and twigs as well.  but i also want a clean yard, so i have sandy prune my trees and clean my yard.  bwahahaha!
and this gives me freedom to see what may look like weaknesses, in a different way - they are part of the design, strategically placed so that i focus on what i am here for and let other things go.
so today, sunday, i lay down my guilt that i am not the way i think i have to be.
and pick up the grace to accept who i am - even the parts i wish i could change.
i let go of asking, what is the matter with me?  and instead, simply embrace what really matters.
as it is, as i am, i am already amazing!  bwahahaha!
thank you!  ilysm, i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥