Friday, December 28, 2012

a letter to my dearest

my dearest,

it is almost the end of the season, the new year is just around the bend.  in the midst of all the celebrations, the busy, and the beautiful, the happy and the hard. . .
i just wanted to lean close to whisper today:

i am so grateful and pleased for you.  you are a gift, not just this festive season and time of year but always, too.
i am thankful for your strengths, the weaknesses.  (tho my heart is crushed when i see you cry), your skills and talents, the ways you serve and give and get hurt.
i am thankful for the purpose you have and that only you can fulfill, and the reason why you are in this world, that you have come to know and live.
i am thankful that this year you have gotten through the tough times and embraced lots of the joys, too.  it takes grace to know what joys are, never mind happiness.  bwahahaha!  and you had heaps of grace your way.
so, please, take a moment and just lean back and let it soak in that you are loved!
close your eyes.  take a sip of that cold mochafrap that you so love, well, also for the stickers that come with it.  bwahahaha!
think about the wonder at the manger because He will never stop pursuing your heart.  i will never stop, too.
i am so glad that the journey you are on, had led you right here this year.  and i pray also next year.
warm hugs and kisses,

ps.  ilysm.  i know you know it.  ♥ ♥ ♥       

Thursday, December 27, 2012

a day after

in this one troubled, distorted and damaged world,
the door is jammed and rammed right tight
and i ache and long and hope in this wet and cold dark,
straining for footsteps from somewhere else,
for the jangling and rattling and clanking of keys
and a crack of light,
wild and fierce for the hope from the outside that can spring me out. . .
and if i still and turn and listen
there it is:  the creaking of the door wide open. . .

thank you!  ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥  

Monday, December 24, 2012

simply. come

whenever christmas begins to burden, it is a sign that i have taken on something of the world, not of christ.
a farmer, i only want the simplest of christmas decor.  
so i looked for some weeds i can uproot, remove leaves from and turn into a christmas tree.  my old worn patchwork will do for a backdrop.  afterall, my motif this year is patchwork dreams - i am dreaming a lot of making beautiful patchworks, with my stash of used and discarded fabrics.
so i set out to do my theme, my three elves this year are all excited what our tableau would look like.  after it was done, lights and all, i sit back and make myself a cuppa and wonder, and be amazed how simple and easy it is to create the feel.  and the ease i did it with, my beautiful creation makes me wonder why there is always traffic and rush associated with this season that is supposed to be slow and peaceful and calm.  bwahahaha! 
from my working table, i can see the small F.A.R.M. beings from buttons i used to adorn my tree, and the fabric rosettes from discarded clothing that my rural women farmers have made.  
how lucky i am to have a hand-made christmas!  each and every detail touched by so many creative and willing hands.  i can even tell who made what. . .
i sit, sip and ponder. . .and i breathe.  exhale.  
my living life slow has been the way that made me see so much beauty!  and the slower i take, the more places i find joy in.
this season, i am grateful that i have laid down efforts and expectations, perfectionism and performance. . .and simply waited with arms and heart and eyes wide open!
simply.  come. . .

thank you!  ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥

Sunday, December 16, 2012

guilt or gratitude

my recent bacolod trip was really a sweet treat trip!  
what with calea, felicia's, guimaras mangoes, bong-bong's, 21, kuppa, imay's, chicken house, 
etc, etc, etc. . .  omg!  

i dig into my dessert with a spoon, or was it a fork in my hand, smile beaming on my face.  in between tales and laughter, i would succumb to, "hmmmmm, yummmmm!"

i tell my friend, i do not struggle with the guilt thing.  i feel like i make progress, too, despite some sort of a spree like this.  bwahahaha!
guilt seems to be my nemesis.  it jumps out from dark corners of my life to announce that i am not doing enough, being enough, blah-blah-blah.  so i turn the palm of my hand to it and declare:  talk to the hand, the face is busy!  bwahahaha!
this brings me to think and mull over what i replace guilt with, instead.
well, with one simple word:  gratitude.
huh?  duh!
that was hardly expected, was it not?  bwahahaha!  sure expecting more in the lines of try harder.
but the more i ponder it in the coming days and weeks, the more it begins making sense to me.
i go out to lunch or go for a cuppa alone, or with my nephews and nieces, or my friends, my sisters, my students, my helps and never feel guilty for spending the money (even though it sometimes goes over the budget).
what i have come to realize just now, yes, just now, after going through my photos of the otherwise sinful desserts i indulged in, at bacolod, is that, guilt keeps me from saying. . .
thank you for the people in my life.
thank you for this delicious food and those who prepared it.
thank you for the gift of this amount that i can set aside for this indulgence.
the next time, i would make a list of all the things i sometimes would feel guilty about and am sure, each one offers ways to be grateful instead.
in this season of celebration, with open arms, and mind and heart, i let myself receive the gift i have been given:  a guilt free life. . .
and then give thanks to the one who has given me so many gifts and blessings along with it.

ps.  ilysm, i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥         

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

goodbye B

i know B.
i spent years listening, paying attention to her.  i woke up to the sound of her voice in the morning, calling me from a too-full calendar.  i drifted off, floated to sleep with her whispering, murmuring in my ear that everything still had not been enough.
B is not especially nice nor pleasant, but i kept her around. for a long, long time.
because she told me this:  i am proof, evidence that you are important.  if you do not have me in your life, what will people think?
so i put up with her demands, her weight.  bwahahaha!  her bossiness, her accusations, all those blames.
then, over time, i slowly stopped listening to her.  i noticed, my calendar got cleaner, though not spotless.  my breaths got deeper, though not bottomless.  my life got better, yes, maybe even the best.
this morning, sitting over my journal with a cup of coffee in my hand (a luxury of time i denied myself for years), i took a moment to consider what had changed.  what had i started believing instead?  who am i living with now?  now that B is gone?
i realized at some point i had heard you whisper this to my heart:  your work is not your worth.
and day by day, i had begun to believe like it was true - and then eventually to start acting like it, too.
this morning, i asked quietly, what is my work, then?
and i wrote this:  my work is an expression of love for you.
my eyes started to well with tears, grateful tears, again.  for who but you can change a heart that much?
but somehow it had happened.  and it has changed everything for me.
oh, i still struggle.  yes.  i would be lying if i did not tell you there were still days of being overwhelmed.  but more and more of the time, B is not around.
when she is not with me, i am not sure where she goes. . . and am worried she may have snuck off to bother you.
so if she is there, let me tell you:  she is not what she seems.  and she cannot deliver what she promises.  escort her to the door and lock it behind you.  you do not need her.
you are loved, chosen, valued already and just as you are.
am saying good bye to B and smacked her on the behind as she heads out the door.  silly B.
do not worry about her - she will find more to do.
and you?  find that journal and cup of coffee.  walk the green path twice today.  listen to the blue jay, am sure she misses you.  look up and watch the narra blossoms drop like yellow summer snow. . .then sit down with the author of life who is waiting to write new things on your heart. . .and your calendar.
ps.  in case you wonder who B is, B is Busy, not bidibidi, ok?  bwahahaha!

ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥