Sunday, December 14, 2014

when grey and blue are mornings

it is such a cold and grey sunday, makes me dip deep.  when i do, somehow, i feel blue.
sometimes, i feel like all my glasses tend to be half-empty, i.e., when i tend to be more eeyore than pooh.
sometimes, i tend to be the last to spot the silver lining, when the clouds descend upon me, and not of my own choosing.
sometimes, i just seem unable to escape, however hard i try to reframe.
maybe, it comes from running a little too hard for a little too long.  or from small discouragements that add up to one big gloom.
and on a morning like this, i wake up and grope and hope for the usual hopefulness that dances around me, but just isn't there this morn.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

new eyes, new love

it was a tumultuous weekend, when i say that, i mean not only the howling winds blowing off the leaves from my trees, nor just the torrents that seemed so incessant.  
it was a tumultuous weekend, when i say that, i also mean the emotional roller coaster ride of my story, my life.
i never liked the roller coaster, in fact, i never had a ride in one. well, sometimes, i get the feel of the real thing when people and emotions are jolted and shaken.  that feeling of slowly rising up above the clouds and then suddenly dealing with a downward spiral.
for that which transpired last weekend, i took time off and communed and confessed and came out of it, hopefully whole. maybe some cracks here and there, some brokenness. but these cracks, they just let out the light from within.
for the next days coming, may i find ways to say old truths, 
new eyes to see old loves
and new courage to release what i no longer need.
may my soul learn peace in the midst of chaos,
gladness when i feel small and quiet in the presence of what once was love.
may i know new love soon, as soon as the next sun rises.  
bwahahaha!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

soul space

after the july typhoon, i closed the farm to mean that i will not be entertaining guests unless and until my farm has fully recovered and is fully repaired, as according to my definition of the two words:  recover and repair.
but i had this challenge to break my word or not, when i got a call from mylene of dti when she told me a group of businessmen and agency representatives from tarlac are coming to visit my farm and my enterprise.  to delay giving an answer, i told mylene i will have to check my calendar and see if i am free on the set date, 10 october.  i knew that date to be just a day or two from a national trade fair i would be joining, so i was thinking, i may not have the energy to be the gracious host that i am (bwahahaha!), giving me a perfect excuse to reject.  but i did not.  i had this urging thought that i might as well brave it and show what the typhoon has done to my farm and what this spirit has done with the aftermath. bwahahaha!  so i said yes!



it was a great experience, both for me and my guests (my guests said so!  bwahahaha!)  after the farm tour, we went to my gallery, Cafe des Artes and my artisanal shop, The F.A.R.M. Shoppe.

for this weekend, i know these for sure:  all my questions, my insecurities, my doubts and my disabilities are all hidden in your love.  i dread not the small beginnings, the little impacts the slow results.  rather, i stretch myself out into the fullest shape of myself, your image.  
life is good!  and i am grateful everyday!  

Monday, August 4, 2014

languid and lethargic

it was a languid, rather lethargic weekend as i wanted it to be, brings to mind this thought:  i can make things happen, if i want it hard enough. bwahahaha!
for the weekend that just passed, i wanted some time to think things over, things and people in my life, and guess what, i did just that, amidst the silk squares that got wet during the recent typhoon, and now am ironing for a lovely project in mind, and in between my weekend conversation with my nephew kim who just celebrated his 20th, and came to thank me for my simple gift for him and neil, 19.  it was, indeed, a lazy weekend, just what i had in mind to begin with, but definitely one that made me come out of it more whole and more resolved in some things and some persons.
and these i know for sure:

old truths find ways to be discovered, to be known.  and we had time to talk about it, kim and i. we talked about mama a  lot, maybe it was because the recent devastation brought to mind how i would just be carefree, even during a typhoon, when mama was still with us.  i could not care less about repairs and replacements. now, i guess, is my turn and i realize now more than ever, how difficult it must have been for her.
i have new eyes to see old loves. sometimes, i fall prey to the lure of newbies.  a lot of us do.  but this weekend, i know my old loves are here to stay for the long haul, and it is such a relief!  bwahahaha!
and my soul, aaaahhh, my soul, it grasped and recognized some peace amidst the chaos, gladness and delight when i feel small (figurative. bwahahaha!) and quiet and calm in the presence of my loves.

thank you!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

paradox

i cannot  stay at the farm and maintain a smile.  i have planted each and every tree, watched them grow, touched and breathed with them, our energies mingled.  i can feel the fresh air that my trees breathe out, i just can.  and to see some of them broken, breaks me.


so i take my time off, i need to breathe, sometimes, i cannot take it all in.
i sit there sippin' alone and somehow, i feel you slide into the seat across from me at my fave coffee place.  i cannot hide from you, right away you noticed the tiredness in my eyes and say: you are in a tough season, many women would have given up, but not you.  
you ask:  how are you?
i forced a smile and managed: oh, i'm so blessed!  life is good!
you opened your hands across the table and touched mine: i mean, how are you, really?
tears came to the corners of my eyes: am ready to be done with all of this!  it is harder than i thought it would be.
so, which is true?  both.
it is funny that sometimes. i tend to think in terms of all or nothing. so i would always say life is good! when i am breaking apart inside. because i feel, to do otherwise, i would be discounting the other goodness that is in my life. but then, i get to realize this:  i live with both blessings and brokenness. challenges and victories, sorrow and joy.  (although the latter, with a capital J is fake.  bwahahaha!) so i have to change the last pair: sorrow and bliss!  now, that sounds more apt, at least for me. bwahahaha!  they are all mixed up together.
so today, i know this for sure:  in my life, i must embrace the paradox. and i bring everything to you and trust that when you ask me how i am, you truly want to know and it is okay to tell you.  all of it.  and life is good.  bwahahaha!



Saturday, July 12, 2014

life is a balancing act

sometimes, i have trouble putting balance on things. hmmmm, make it a lot of times.  bwahahaha!  i am no good at doing one thing at a time. while i may catch myself busy on the treadle of my antique sewing machine, i would often catch myself picking the poppy am going to translate onto my canvass.  
while am going through the meandering paths in the forest at the farm, i also catch myself imagining jiko running until his tongue sticks out panting and making himself dirty and i giving him a run for his life before being able to give him a bath. bwahahaha!  
while i am meeting with my colleagues in the business department at the university, i also catch myself considering and raring to drive down to buhi and touch those handwoven colourful fabrics i asked the local weavers to especially weave for me, for my hobo bags and scarves.  and i can go on and on and on.
i have good intentions, but i typically end up doing most of it all at once because before i know it, there is also the time frame i have to work on - deadlines for one like me?  this definitely sounds strange.  bwahahaha! another thing am good at?  i wait too long for "me" time and when i get it, i hoard it like a starving dog worried i may never get it again.
perhaps it is because for the last six or seven years, it has been mostly about them - others.  the fault may have been from me getting that most outstanding rural woman award.  i seem to have taken it upon the self to stay outstanding!  at least to my mind's eyes.
now that i notice years creeping in on me, i got the scare of my life when i experienced cramps on both legs, i realize that i have to take extra effort to make a balance of what goes on in my life.  and i have consciously taken time for introverted activities like reading and musing and painting and sewing. again.  
do i need to be productive and clean the house from top of the fridge to bottom of the baseboards?  should i finish the simplicity patchwork which is not simple at all? write the farm training modules?  learn to tat?  save the world?

i always try to find that happy place between living restfully and being productive and recently, i reclaimed a small spot at the verandah.  i still have to bring up my rocking chair from the coffee shop downstairs to complete the look of the nook.  bwahahaha!
so today, in between tapping on my lappy and dipping my paintbrush, i made an appointment to have that swedish before i hit the sack.  i took sometime to really sit down and talk things about my relaunching of the b&b, but is that work? bwahahaha!  no, it is coffee time with a real-life friend.  
while it may sound so self-indulgent, those things and activities, they are also the very things that are so important and very rarely scheduled for the self.
sometimes, it is the little things, the daily things, the ordinary things that i need to notice and celebrate!  but this saturday, today, i am celebrating a different kind of gift:  permission to be indulgent.  bwahahaha!
and one more thing,  i allow myself to wear my pearls everyday. now, that is indulgent. bwahahaha!


Sunday, July 6, 2014

deeper into joy

i let the wind through my hair. sometimes, though, the wind finds it difficult to go through my hair, when it is so bundled up. bwahahaha! so on rare occasions, i let my hair loose and allow the wind to caress those greys.

i go through every nook and cranny at the farm,  and discover something new, each time. seeds sprouting, berries blushing, bamboos shooting! 



it feels like everything is breathing with joy! exalting! exulting!

through all these, i learned to receive, for i know, all these are gifts. so, i walk and gather and just happily be, even for just a day, sometimes just a moment, i allow myself to listen and whisper a prayer, embrace the grace.
for this weekend, i allow myself to wander and may this wandering lead me deeper into the joy habit, because i know this for sure:  all is grace.

life is good!  and ilysm! bwahahaha!