Monday, August 4, 2014

languid and lethargic

it was a languid, rather lethargic weekend as i wanted it to be, brings to mind this thought:  i can make things happen, if i want it hard enough. bwahahaha!
for the weekend that just passed, i wanted some time to think things over, things and people in my life, and guess what, i did just that, amidst the silk squares that got wet during the recent typhoon, and now am ironing for a lovely project in mind, and in between my weekend conversation with my nephew kim who just celebrated his 20th, and came to thank me for my simple gift for him and neil, 19.  it was, indeed, a lazy weekend, just what i had in mind to begin with, but definitely one that made me come out of it more whole and more resolved in some things and some persons.
and these i know for sure:

old truths find ways to be discovered, to be known.  and we had time to talk about it, kim and i. we talked about mama a  lot, maybe it was because the recent devastation brought to mind how i would just be carefree, even during a typhoon, when mama was still with us.  i could not care less about repairs and replacements. now, i guess, is my turn and i realize now more than ever, how difficult it must have been for her.
i have new eyes to see old loves. sometimes, i fall prey to the lure of newbies.  a lot of us do.  but this weekend, i know my old loves are here to stay for the long haul, and it is such a relief!  bwahahaha!
and my soul, aaaahhh, my soul, it grasped and recognized some peace amidst the chaos, gladness and delight when i feel small (figurative. bwahahaha!) and quiet and calm in the presence of my loves.

thank you!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

paradox

i cannot  stay at the farm and maintain a smile.  i have planted each and every tree, watched them grow, touched and breathed with them, our energies mingled.  i can feel the fresh air that my trees breathe out, i just can.  and to see some of them broken, breaks me.


so i take my time off, i need to breathe, sometimes, i cannot take it all in.
i sit there sippin' alone and somehow, i feel you slide into the seat across from me at my fave coffee place.  i cannot hide from you, right away you noticed the tiredness in my eyes and say: you are in a tough season, many women would have given up, but not you.  
you ask:  how are you?
i forced a smile and managed: oh, i'm so blessed!  life is good!
you opened your hands across the table and touched mine: i mean, how are you, really?
tears came to the corners of my eyes: am ready to be done with all of this!  it is harder than i thought it would be.
so, which is true?  both.
it is funny that sometimes. i tend to think in terms of all or nothing. so i would always say life is good! when i am breaking apart inside. because i feel, to do otherwise, i would be discounting the other goodness that is in my life. but then, i get to realize this:  i live with both blessings and brokenness. challenges and victories, sorrow and joy.  (although the latter, with a capital J is fake.  bwahahaha!) so i have to change the last pair: sorrow and bliss!  now, that sounds more apt, at least for me. bwahahaha!  they are all mixed up together.
so today, i know this for sure:  in my life, i must embrace the paradox. and i bring everything to you and trust that when you ask me how i am, you truly want to know and it is okay to tell you.  all of it.  and life is good.  bwahahaha!



Saturday, July 12, 2014

life is a balancing act

sometimes, i have trouble putting balance on things. hmmmm, make it a lot of times.  bwahahaha!  i am no good at doing one thing at a time. while i may catch myself busy on the treadle of my antique sewing machine, i would often catch myself picking the poppy am going to translate onto my canvass.  
while am going through the meandering paths in the forest at the farm, i also catch myself imagining jiko running until his tongue sticks out panting and making himself dirty and i giving him a run for his life before being able to give him a bath. bwahahaha!  
while i am meeting with my colleagues in the business department at the university, i also catch myself considering and raring to drive down to buhi and touch those handwoven colourful fabrics i asked the local weavers to especially weave for me, for my hobo bags and scarves.  and i can go on and on and on.
i have good intentions, but i typically end up doing most of it all at once because before i know it, there is also the time frame i have to work on - deadlines for one like me?  this definitely sounds strange.  bwahahaha! another thing am good at?  i wait too long for "me" time and when i get it, i hoard it like a starving dog worried i may never get it again.
perhaps it is because for the last six or seven years, it has been mostly about them - others.  the fault may have been from me getting that most outstanding rural woman award.  i seem to have taken it upon the self to stay outstanding!  at least to my mind's eyes.
now that i notice years creeping in on me, i got the scare of my life when i experienced cramps on both legs, i realize that i have to take extra effort to make a balance of what goes on in my life.  and i have consciously taken time for introverted activities like reading and musing and painting and sewing. again.  
do i need to be productive and clean the house from top of the fridge to bottom of the baseboards?  should i finish the simplicity patchwork which is not simple at all? write the farm training modules?  learn to tat?  save the world?

i always try to find that happy place between living restfully and being productive and recently, i reclaimed a small spot at the verandah.  i still have to bring up my rocking chair from the coffee shop downstairs to complete the look of the nook.  bwahahaha!
so today, in between tapping on my lappy and dipping my paintbrush, i made an appointment to have that swedish before i hit the sack.  i took sometime to really sit down and talk things about my relaunching of the b&b, but is that work? bwahahaha!  no, it is coffee time with a real-life friend.  
while it may sound so self-indulgent, those things and activities, they are also the very things that are so important and very rarely scheduled for the self.
sometimes, it is the little things, the daily things, the ordinary things that i need to notice and celebrate!  but this saturday, today, i am celebrating a different kind of gift:  permission to be indulgent.  bwahahaha!
and one more thing,  i allow myself to wear my pearls everyday. now, that is indulgent. bwahahaha!


Sunday, July 6, 2014

deeper into joy

i let the wind through my hair. sometimes, though, the wind finds it difficult to go through my hair, when it is so bundled up. bwahahaha! so on rare occasions, i let my hair loose and allow the wind to caress those greys.

i go through every nook and cranny at the farm,  and discover something new, each time. seeds sprouting, berries blushing, bamboos shooting! 



it feels like everything is breathing with joy! exalting! exulting!

through all these, i learned to receive, for i know, all these are gifts. so, i walk and gather and just happily be, even for just a day, sometimes just a moment, i allow myself to listen and whisper a prayer, embrace the grace.
for this weekend, i allow myself to wander and may this wandering lead me deeper into the joy habit, because i know this for sure:  all is grace.

life is good!  and ilysm! bwahahaha!



Sunday, June 29, 2014

this thing called puppy love

jiKo was a surprise gift for me last christmas. it was love at first sight. but my first reaction, really, when i saw the teeny weeny pup was hesitance.  
i could not imagine myself taking care of the tiny mutt. he looked so fragile and a bit dirty, i was also afraid he might have some pet insects of his own. bwahahaha!  
but gracious as i could muster, i hugged happily the donor and gave the little mutt a pat on his back. he just looked at me and did not even smile.  
i did some pet supplies shopping before i went to pick him up, and brought my basket, lined with some new and clean rugs, and some puppy food.  my car was new, i didn't want any leak on the seats or on the floors, that i also brought a huge basin to hold the basket, just in case.  bwahahaha!  

 i drove home and got him into a new basket as his sleeping place.  he did not like it, he wants to hang his head on the metal foot bar of my repurposed wrought iron book shelf. hhhmmmm, as early as the first day, he was already showing some character!  and i can feel myself fallin' deeper! bwahahaha!  divin' even.  i could not help it!  he is adorable!
a few mishaps from his mischievous antics:  a sprain, and a gushing cut, made me bawl my eyes out, and not just for a while, i was crying the whole night while watching him to sleep and watching just to make sure he is breathing! bwahahaha!  

now, as i recall that moment, i could still feel how bad i felt that he hurt himself.  never thought i would feel that way!  i knew then it was true love.  bwahahaha!

fast forward to today, he is now taking his nap, while  am pounding on my lappy, putting into this post my puppy diary, before he rouses up and starts nibbling at my arms and giving me those wet kisses. bwahahaha!
for this weekend, i cannot help but be grateful for having been given the chance to experience this wonderful puppy love.  he not only gives me joy but makes me learn a few and basic things.  and i tell daday and manilyn these teachings, too. they do not need to be puppies to be better humans. bwahahaha!
these are a few of my favourite puppy teachings:
when love comes home, always run to greet them.
never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride (when jiKo hears the engine, he runs up, climbs in and takes his spot on the front seat, beside the driver. bwahahaha!)
allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstacy.
take naps.
 
stretch before rising.
run, romp and play daily.
thrive on attention and let people touch you.

avoid biting when a simple grown will do.
on warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass, on hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
when you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
be loyal.

never pretend to be something you are not.
when someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

enjoy every moment of the day!
jiKo is not just a mutt for me, he is the reason i come home early and the reason why i wake up early.  we have to have that early morning nuzzle on my bed, before we begin the day.  now i must say this:  if puppies were friends, jiKo is my best. and life is good.