equally important

 
i was in several meetings the past few days.  as you read this, i am probably at the farm, conferring with buddies, sipping coffee (the upcoming movie shoot is giving me unnecessary jitters), and praying my four sewing machines do not act up.
but before another day of busy-ness, i pause and reflect and think about all these events that unfold right in front of me.  especially the time when i commune with rural women and share ideas.  we talk, laugh, share, talk, laugh, sing, etc, etc, etc.

on the outside, i believe i know how to look confident in front of all these folks, yet inside, i often ask myself questions like:  am i really enough?

i try to answer that by finding a way to validate my existence (or maybe that is just unique to me?bwahahaha!)

in college, that might have been by trying to "fit in" and as a grown-up, i also added being the perfect partner, co-worker to the list.  and at meetings like the one i had with my RIC group, it is often an accomplishment - getting a resolution passed, or having more speaking engagements - that i think will finally make me feel worthwhile.

without even realizing it, i find myself striving to be more, to be bigger (not that i am small, bwahahaha!)  to make sure i get noticed.  and yet, i am learning more each day that you call me to the small, the quiet, the humble.

does that mean i am supposed to avoid all the attention or step away from the opportunities that come along the way?  no.  i believe it is how i order my priorities (and stay sane) in the process.  my ambition is to live quietly -  to love those beside me, to do my work with excellence, and to be faithful and focused on the duties assigned me.  

i do not think quiet is about volume. i believe it is about the state of my heart.  it is my choosing not to strive, to resist restlessness, to push back the urge to shout to the world, "please recognize i am important!"

time may decide to put me in the spot light.  i may have to stand on stage in front of millions.  or maybe, just do something entirely different.  i may just have to stand among my trees in the middle of my forest and listen to the birds sing. bwahahaha!

all are equally important platforms.
so, i let my heart go quiet today, in the midst of the chaos this scheduled shoot has been creating in my soul.  i breathe deep and know i am where i am supposed to be.  i do not have to validate my existence or my importance.  that has already been done.  

and it is in moments of quiet that i can best hear you say what my heart truly longs for most, what no other words or dream or accomplishment can ever replace.

thank you.  ilysm!  ♥ ♥ ♥