speak life, share passion

last week, i spent time with students from the ateneo de naga university, a school close to my heart, as i am a product of ateneo myself, well, i have to be geographically correct here, as fr. bill kreutz, sj., would insist:  i am a product of the ateneo de manila university.  bwahahaha!  

it was a heartening few hours together, almost hopeful, positive and optimistic - what with this future generation listening to what i say.  and am thankful and pleased for the opportunity to be with them. 
i do not know when this started, but, i think i have taken on a new role, that of being a lecturer.  wow!  bwahahaha!  and this comes fairly often these days.  just yesterday, i got an invite to give a lecture to agri-tourism students of the cbsua, too.  but there is a lot of time to think, so when i am asked to speak, i am always very careful before i say yes.  i would much rather listen, people!  bwahahaha!

i do not expect you to understand, but if you were to, you would know that i spend hours, days even, fighting off the jitters, the cold hands and the shivers, as i prepare to speak.  it takes every living courage, guts and nerve!  and prayers, too, to get me to a place of readiness before a speaking engagement.  

sometimes, and often, i call it stage fright, but on second thought, it isn't.  i am pretty sure over the years i have grown to feel fairly comfortable and snug in my own skin, in front of people.  more of it, i believe, comes from a sense of responsibility, a weighty understanding that i have been trusted to speak truth, to share honestly, and to lean my weight on the force.

and even though grace and blessings have been game-changers for me, even though i walk most days to a rhythm and a beat of understanding, that my life belongs to another and he is very fond of me, (ilysm), i still have to fight the voice in my head before i speak to groups of students, women, farmers, etc.  and that voice says very clearly and without hesitation:  who do you think you are?  when i try to hold on to my life, when i am unwilling and averse to let go of my try-hard efforts, when i have sights set on to outcomes rather than moments, i question and doubt and grab hold of insecurities.

if i allow myself to go very far down that road, it generally leads to an answer that makes me feel worse!  thankfully, i do not sit there long anymore.  i know truth and i fight with appropriate weapons.  so, i do not question my identity, not anymore.

i only speak life.  share passion.  receive grace.  and handle myself tenderly and kindly.

otherwise, who would?