giver, gifts. . .

sometimes i love this life too much!
i revel in the gifts,

long for what i cannot have,
grasp for what i am losing,

think real life and happiness 
are found in all the gifts 
rather than the giver.

other times, i long for heaven so badly
i think my heart might cave in.
i see this for what it is 
- a moment, an instant, a breath -
 
and desire weaves its way up and out 
from deeper places than i even knew existed.
and those times, the earth fog lifts
and it is as if i know fully
even as i am fully known.

but the clarity does not visit long,
and just as i try to document it, 
the stuff of life and bills come back like a curtain,

leaving me wondering how the mystery ever felt real at all.