besieged but not overwhelmed

the week was busy to say the least! it was hectic, frantic, frenetic!  (hmmm, love those rhyming words.  bwahahaha!)

i have been working hard. . . trying my best, doing what i can.  and sometimes, i wonder. . .does it even matter?

nobody here to answer my question. so i answer it myself.  bwahahaha!  or do i hear you whisper to me and say,  yes, it matters!  and you do, too.

maybe, more than i will ever know, more than i will ever see.  but i do know, my spirit and fearlessness make a difference.  even when they are the quiet kind, the kind that simply says, i will get up today and try it again, do it again.  that is surely powerful!  it sends ripples across my world in ways beyond what i know.

yes, sometimes, i get tired.  i think everyone does.  sometimes, i have doubts, too.  not sure if anyone does not.  occasionally, i feel besieged, but i am not overwhelmed.  i will not be defeated!  i will never back down.  nor will i quit.

i will not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, what is sown is reaped.

i know there are good things coming.  beneath the surface that sometimes is rough, bumpy, jagged.  pretty soon, these seeds are going to burst through and bloom into joy!

so i take a deep breath, pat myself on the back, (bwahahaha!) wishing an arm was there to wrap around my shoulders, and say. . .i can do this!

thank you for letting me know my purpose and giving me strength to do my work.  ilysm!  ♥ ♥ ♥

this thing called love

i have always entertained this in my mind. . .i have always longed to feel loved just as i am.

i remember a time, a morning, when i have just risen from bed, my hair a mess, the early morning sunlight streaming through my bedroom capiz window, and looked in the mirror and said to myself, will there ever be someone in the future, before the grey conquers this crown, who would say, "hey, beautiful!"  bwahahaha!

maybe i will never understand this: what happened with love looking past the immediate and see in one glance not just what is right in front it, but the essence of a person?  i do not think love should make me doubt my self-worth because of names and labels.

i was thinking, the person who would profess love for me would see beyond the tangled hair, the sleepy eyes, the ragged night dress because of love.  i was somehow wrong.

but then, you came into my life, and you see things differently.  i stand before you with my messy life, my bare soul and i was certain there was no beauty to behold.  but you catch me by surprise, you looked my way and say, hey, beautiful!

you sprung the stars into space so that i may never feel alone again, knowing there is this magnificent universe that is always there with me.  when i feel weak, you walk me through the forest i planted and along the trees, and when i touch them, you fill me up again.  you call my name when i feel so lost and you also did, even before i knew it.  and you pursue me relentlessly and passionately.

no matter how i may look and feel, you see me through your eyes of love, my messy me, my grey hair, those everywhere curves and all.  bwahahaha!  you make me feel i have been chosen, i am wanted, cherished and loved.  now and after.

no make-up. messy hair, messy life, too.
i am made beautiful by your love.  thank you for being my everyday valentines. 

travel humbles

i am flying back to manila today, then i will be taking the airbus to naga, a van to baao, a pedicab to home.  whew!  bwahahaha!  

 it has been a week full of life changes - of new perspectives gained and old passions resurrected, new friendships formed, old good ones strengthened.

as i am travelling today, waking up to the booming voice of arlene, announcing she has to blow dry her hair, and the funny language of cita who has recently appointed me to an imaginary 'post' as the secretary of denr, i am wondering why i do this, why i travel at all!

what makes all this worth all the hassle?
i feel time creeping in on me, turning gold in a few weeks, and i do not get to travel as much, nowadays.  what with leaving the farm and missing my sewing machine, too!  bwahahaha!  so when i can get away, i jump at the opportunity!  

that is what brought me to revisit bacolod and renew sights and memories of iloilo (the previous one was not really cool as we sweated out a jeepney ride, when we could have just hopped in a cab, huh, yayet & vhiol?  bwahahaha!)

 but this travel, this organic agriculture tour, a gift from the agency closest to my heart, the da, has been a refreshing, uplifting time of personal and spiritual growth for me.  not to mention the added knowledge i gained from listening to experts and practitioners in the field of organic farming.

without the plane and boat ride, the bus, van and pedicab rides, the exotic setting and the rustic ambiance, and some great new food,  i would not have grown!  bwahahaha!
this is why i believe in the discipline of travel.  never mind the cramped seat in the van, or the 10:01 ratio of bed and bath, or the livestock that meanders at the dining area, etc, etc, etc.  i still maintain that travel does something to my soul that no other activity can touch.  it stretches my mind and perspective in new and extraordinary ways.  really, extra to the ordinary!  bwahahaha!

so i come to some crucial thoughts after being reflective about it and the main one is this:  i travel to remember i am not complete.

travel makes me know once more that there are areas in my life that need help.  that i still need to grow in faith.  that i still need to be affirmed as a leader.  that i still need to be challenged.

i must admit, i tend to hit plateaus when i am stuck in the same place for too long.  my quilts, my paints, my eggplants and tomatoes (myriad of things to do and attend to, and still i can hit a plateau.  bwahahaha!)  

i know people see me as the busiest person alive in town, but still, eventually i get restless.

 travelling disrupts and upsets my comfort.  it makes me rely on the force.  especially when the plane starts its ascent!  and the window beside me in the boat gets splashed on with salty water!  the waves are as high as the window!  bwahahaha!  that feeling of total helplessness that all i can think of is put everything into the hands of the force that is upon me.

travelling causes me to give up unhealthy obsessions.  when i know what my next breakfast will be and exactly what tomorrow will hold, i am less dependent on forces outside myself.  and i do not like that.  i do not like being a person who does not know how to trust.  i do not like believing that lie that life depends solely on me.  i want to believe in something more.  i travel to remember that.

travel rings a bell to the realization of the instability of life.  and this occasional change of place of sleep does a lot to my spirit.  it stirs me to a deeper place of dependence, of reflection, of a need for something bigger than myself.  (no pun intended to the self here.  bwahahaha!)

that is why i travel.  to grow.
yes, i like to see different cultures, traditions, customs, and meet new people and rekindle old friendships!  i love getting to see the sunrise from a different window, listen to new sounds of laughter!  (and snores, too, a chorus in a dorm.  bwahahaha!)  

or eat vegie-meat cooked into barbecue, tapa, menudo, etc.  bwahahaha!  but at the end of the day, what happens internally is so much more significant and noteworthy than what happens externally, because what happens inside me stays with me.  i can bring transformation home, to my farm, and then bestow it to someone else.  and yes, it was pretty fun!  (meh ay suuuujest!  bwahahaha!)

this is the reason why i continue to travel, if there is no gift of that chance, well, i just take a leap and ask ritzie to book me a flight.  bwahahaha!

yes, because travel changes me.  and yes, also because it can change others, too.  

travel tells me that wherever i am and whatever i do, i must remember i am not complete.

humbling.

thank you for the people and the places!  ilysm!