37. the gift of time

yesterday's rain was, of course, the best kind of rain. . . the kind that falls on a day when i'd just as soon stay in bed a little longer, 
write on my journal, 

read my book (and i am amassing a lot, lately.  bwahahaha!)  

amidst my treasure, put my feet up, take my cuppa folgers hot with my chocnuts, 

and look out my capiz windows which i open just a little, tiny bit to see where my morning songs are coming from. . .

 

 

all these i do slowly, complacently, contentedly. . . knowing i have in my hands, the most precious thing of all - time.

ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥

i got the gift of art

a lot of times, i have tried talking myself out of my art.  make that numerous times, countless, even.  there have been lots of reasons, and they really come in handy just when doubts creep in.  bwahahaha!  and i must admit that there were times in the past that i found enough reasons why i do not have what it takes.  even now, when i have consciously decided to take my art more seriously, i have, on several occassions, felt guilty for having a passion that does not have a job description.  bwahahaha! 

and this may sound a bit funny, but really, sometimes, i get this feeling like i am cheating a little bit for actually doing what i love!  bwahahaha!

but now, i have undergone a lot of paradigm shifts.  now, i see my art as something other than just an idea.  my art is bigger than that, in fact, more necessary than just a dream.

and although it seems like i am taking just baby steps towards my creativity, i know, deep inside that i am stepping into a bigger story.  not just for myself or for my art, but something larger than that.
my art is a gift wrapped up in a box of grace straight from the hand of the Force.

so now, i never ask questions about it.  i stopped talking my way out of it.  i gladly receive the gift, with my eyes open, my heart open wider and my soul open widest.  bwahahaha!

ilysm!  thank you for my life's colours!  ♥ ♥ ♥

what i know for sure

on sundays, i try to take time to think about stuff that i take seriously.   one of them is my gratitude list, another is my random reflections on my life's purpose.
amidst all the activities that seem to occupy every minute of my time, when i allow it, i find it necessary to stop, relax, take a deep breath and reflect.

after a great yesterday at the farm, enjoying and taking pleasure in the company of good friends and fellow artists, i believe, my gratitude list for the sunday will be as easy as abc.  bwahahaha!  

so i take a more serious note and went down more deeply,  and so here are my thoughts for the day, such a blessed sunday, this one.
in between my sunday thoughts and a great conversation with a lovely person, i have three things i know for sure:

1.  i was created for a purpose.  and so were you.
life is not meaningless.  and i did not evolve from monkeys, nor was there a big bang when i got created, or was there?  bwahahaha!  at least, i don't think so.
i am special and exceptional.  powerful and mighty, enchanting and magical.

i live in this world full of mystery, ambiguity, and unknown.  and it is full of meaning, worth, sense and value.  and it was intended to be that way.  although sometimes, i try to explain a lot, when i do not have to, causing me much stress and anxiety, i should just let Him be!  so i don't have to have a massage every now and then.  bwahahaha!  (oooops, malou, sorry!)

i am more than i realize, but still tragically, sadly flawed, blemished, imperfect.  (i do not need to belo, tho, as i am, i am more than just ok.  i get by.  bwahahaha!)  so there is plenty of room for humility and modesty, and failure.  heaps and loads of space to learn and grow - to become.

i hope i do, that i should discover, realize my innate and intrinsic dignity (not letting anybody push me around, oh no, not anymore)  and my inherent and natural glory.  (i am outstanding, also in the simplicity of the ordinary).  and somehow, though not always, miraculously, see it in others, too.

 

2.  the world has not seen what great art can do.  not yet.  so the task.
i think and believe words matter and count, and imagination illuminates and enlightens.  that beauty can heal a shattered soul.
i need more life and love in this world.  and less lies and lawyers.  (no offense to matt and jof.  you know you both are dear to me.  bwahahaha!)  i just want to see more paintings and books and less arguments and angry people.

i need more art - to be refreshed and rejuvenated.  i need this more than i can ever comprehend.  i need more poetry and less prose, more art and less advertising.
i need life.  i need friends.  i need sunsets, starlights and moonlights, long walks and late nights.  i need to sleep in and daydream, to eat hiro and cookies and cream for supper.
i need to find that child-like part of me that i lost long ago.
when i do, there will be no end to what i can accomplish.  with His help, i will become what i was meant to be, to live the life i long for.

3.  we are all broken, cracked.  but that doesn't excuse inaction.
everyone has pain.  everybody hurts.   i am not quite sure i will ever understand why.  and that's okay.  but i still need to act.  i still need to move - and be moved.  and so do you.

i cannot live for myself alone.  this will not satisfy nor please me, it will leave me and the world, feeling empty and hollow inside.

i was made for you and we were made for each other, not for teleseries or sitcoms, but real and raw community.  beautifully broken relationships, this is what will heal us.
and because i am willing, to be moved, to be touched, to engage the ball of bruised humanity i call it, i will come alive and find my true self.  it will be beautiful and ugly, all at the same time.  bwahahaha!

these are three things i know for sure.  they are only three.  there are , of course, others.  but these are enough for me.  enough to do something that matters today, sunday.

i hope i do.

ilysm!  thank you for the colours!  ♥ ♥ ♥

do i deserve better? duh?

there are moments when i catch myself having some profound conversation with the self.  most of the time, it happens when i am in the middle of a problem, a crisis, a dilemma.  on other times, it is only when i have some time alone, and quiet, that i go in deep reflective and meditative state.
and last night was one of the latter.
i was thinking about the way i have allowed and tolerated myself to be treated in the past, by certain persons, and i thought, i deserve better.  i am worthy of something, someone better.

now it is almost light, a new dawn is breaking, a new beginning.  funny that today is wednesday, just in the middle of a week, but when i woke up, that thought was still with me.  i deserve better, but i was thinking a little further, i have always deserved better.
but i have always been self-deprecating, always disparaging the self.  (stupid me!  there i go again!  bwahahaha!).

and this morning, i thought a little more, took it to another leap . . .i have just never thought i deserved better, i have always settled for what is.

coincidence somehow always hit me right when i need it.  i was just surfin', doin' nothin', nothin' doin' and i somehow opened my email and got this message from a friend.  i seldom open my email.  these days, all i get are notices that i have been tagged in a pic or mentioned in a note at fb.  but this morning, i have to open my email, why?  beats me!  bwahahaha!

so, in my email this morning, there was a message from one friend who sends me uplifting and enriching things and it said:  either lower your desires to match your expectations, or raise your expectations to match your desires.  

funny, too, that just the other day, one lovely person, in my tirade of being so disappointed because i was expecting something better from some different people in the art community, he tells me that i must not be expecting from other people because of personal differences.  yeah right.  well, am sorry, lovely person, all i thought was that i was expecting a very basic thing from very basic people - courtesy.

anyway,
i went back to the quote i got in the email, and really read it loud, and realized that i have unconsciously been doing for most of my life, the first part of the quote!  and it hasn't worked so well.  so, maybe, it's time to raise my expectations to match my desires?  duh?

i have been tortured for years, being told that i would never make it on my own, in my rural town, and for a while, i have actually believed it!  but eleven years going solo and eight years achieving, accomplishing and realizing and living my dreams, i think maybe, it's time for me to put away those voices and start listening to the one that comes to me in a soft and quiet way:

"you are precious in my sight, and i am well pleased with you.  as my divine creation, you deserve all that is good, right and holy.  do not settle for less."

all i can say. . .message received.

ilysm!  thank you for being in my life!  ♥ ♥ ♥

blessings

i wish you the blessings of the air...
a soft breeze to refresh,
enliven and rejuvenate you
a strong wind to lift 
and raise you up
great golden wings to enfold and embrace
and heal and restore you.

i wish you the blessings of fire...
a blazing, radiant torch
to light your path
a flaming, glowing sword
to protect and defend you
bright and shimmering sunlight
to shine upon you
and warm your kind and gentle heart.

i wish you the blessings of water...
a rushing and hurrying river
to carry you forward
the vast and immense depths of the sea
to bring you wisdom, understanding 
and good judgement
the soft sweet rain
to wash you tenderly, gently
and nourish and nurture you.

i wish you the blessings of the earth...
a sanctuary, a haven
to bring you to dawn
and securely hold you
the fertile and abundant soil
to nourish you
the green grass 
to lay soft under your tired feet.

may your journeying be holy.

happy birthday!

we made magic

we were not the only ones in the coffee shop, but we may as well have been.  we sat close at the small round table, white mugs between us.  not even a date, that was, but the sky, the heavens, was seven shades brighter than ever!  bwahahaha!  and love was ridiculous, silly in a good way.  i knew then that you wanted me, you sought me there, in that chair, leaned short across the table, placed your soft and rough hand on my arm, and spoke tha magic into the silence - how are you, really?

it was an invitation, a request to be honest, a loving, affectionate dare, a challenge to risk exposure, a call to intimacy, closeness.  and i had one of two choices to make:  i could tell you, or not.  isn't that always the choice?  let you see or i stay hidden.  speak or stay silent.  love or be safe.

that day, i chose visibility.  i chose to speak.  i chose to love.

i answered you, honest and true.  i looked you in the eye and gave myself permission to answer your questions.
and that moment, we made magic, you and i!

ps.  ilysm!  thank you for being in my life!