stunning!

why do i blog?

 

it has been four years now since i posted my first entry on this, my blog, and like what other bloggers would say, i am celebrating my fourth blog.a.ver.sa.ry.  bwahahaha!

i guess one of the reasons i blog, is for me to have an outlet of sorts.  a way that i can try to explain, describe, illustrate some of what i think, what i believe and imagine, and what i feel, experience, suffer and undergo.

a justification for the way i behave?  maybe.

maybe i just feel i need to justify it to myself (only), give reasons for things and stuff in my life, to help it all make sense, have meaning and substance.

i think i just want to be understood, and this is a much more socially acceptable way than to scream my feelings and frustrations at people.  (believe me, i tried that and it served me no good!  bwahahaha!)

no matter what my good intentions and my happy activities have been, the christmas season has always been a difficult season to get through, as it is for most single people.  the world is designed for a set, a matching, corresponding pair:  good/bad, mother/father, light/dark, husband/wife, single/?  i go to a restaurant alone and hear "how many?"  and i am the only one standing there, and once again i am reminded of my aloneness, my seclusion, my solitude.  and i realize and know that it is unintentional, but it is still there.  i see families enjoying each other and although i am happy for them, it only serves to enhance my aloneness.

for me, the holidays bring an added element of grief.  losing my father when i was but a twelve-year old and the passing away of my mother seven years ago now, always cast a shadow on those days for me.  suffice it to say, i am just not myself during the holidays.

this morning (1 jan 12), as i was journaling and praying and asking The Force for some peace, i received it.  a deeper understanding.  a soft inner voice spoke this to me:

i have been blessed and loved and the past year has been such a wonderful, breathtaking and amazing year for me.  of course, i was human all those past days, as i experienced every human emotion. . .every human frailty: 

anger, rage, irritation, annoyance.
temptation, lure, enticement.
lust, desire, yearning, ache.
all of it.  and i experienced it all.  
but what saved me from sinking, plunging and burying myself into the pit of self-destruction, 
is the thought that i have you! 
and having you in my life has made me want to show you just how much i love you with all my human frailties.  
and i had to experience pain, humiliation and injustice.
and i have to undergo through all these.
and in the end, i know, without any doubt,  that whatever i do, or think, or feel, i know that i love you.

stunning, isn't it?  and it makes it all worth it!

ps.  ilysm and i thank you for the colours, from the button of my heart.