paradox

i cannot  stay at the farm and maintain a smile.  i have planted each and every tree, watched them grow, touched and breathed with them, our energies mingled.  i can feel the fresh air that my trees breathe out, i just can.  and to see some of them broken, breaks me.

so i take my time off, i need to breathe, sometimes, i cannot take it all in.

i sit there sippin' alone and somehow, i feel you slide into the seat across from me at my fave coffee place.  i cannot hide from you, right away you noticed the tiredness in my eyes and say: you are in a tough season, many women would have given up, but not you.  

you ask:  how are you?
i forced a smile and managed: oh, i'm so blessed!  life is good!
you opened your hands across the table and touched mine: i mean, how are you, really?

tears came to the corners of my eyes: am ready to be done with all of this!  it is harder than i thought it would be.

so, which is true?  both.

it is funny that sometimes. i tend to think in terms of all or nothing. so i would always say life is good! when i am breaking apart inside. because i feel, to do otherwise, i would be discounting the other goodness that is in my life. but then, i get to realize this:  i live with both blessings and brokenness. challenges and victories, sorrow and joy.  (although the latter, with a capital J is fake.  bwahahaha!) so i have to change the last pair: sorrow and bliss!  now, that sounds more apt, at least for me. bwahahaha!  they are all mixed up together.

so today, i know this for sure:  in my life, i must embrace the paradox. and i bring everything to you and trust that when you ask me how i am, you truly want to know and it is okay to tell you.  all of it.  and life is good.  bwahahaha!