wild and mysterious

 i catch myself staring blankly at my lappy's screen. i feel like one girl standing with my toes dipped into the edge of a divine dream that has been placed in my heart, for reasons that sometimes are unknown to me.

sometimes, i catch myself glancing over my shoulders and wondering what everyone thinks when every now and then, i take the dive into the deep. and i always feel that when i hesitate and take that poise, i suspend, postpone and interrupt what might be one of the most powerful heart moments of my life.

so i get on to my resolve:  go for it!
will people understand?  nope!
will they cheer?  a few yes, most no.
will i get a trophy, or better yet a crown?  not in my lifetime.

however unconformist i act and sound, i also long to be understood and accepted.  i also love to hear it when people get it  and  know just what i mean.

but this life i lead is always wild and mysterious, i always feel misunderstood.  what of being told i am irritating just because i speak passionately about environment stewardship?  when i do not understand why people i look up to who seem to have it all, also always have all the reasons to complain about: the sun when it shows, the rain when it pours, the wind when it blows, the leaves when they fall. . .i somehow understand why a god has to be omnipotent!  and i am not god! bwahahaha!

i sometimes tell my closest of friends my worst fear:  having my heart misunderstood.  and that fear has come true a lot of times.  over and over.  and despite my best efforts, it will happen again.

but the past few days and events made me come to understand that being brave and courageous means moving forward when no one - including the self, has a clue where am going.

if i try to make everyone understand, i will stand still in my life.  so i leap into the fear, step into the spotlight, dive into my dream.

when i lay down my desire to have everyone's approval, it is the hardest thing to do, but the most freeing.

and tomorrow, i will do it again. bwahahaha!

i may not see the whole plan, which maybe beyond what i can comprehend, but that you are with me is all that i really need to know.  and life is good!

small beginnings

for this weekend that seems to be the first free one after a long while, may i not be disappointed with small beginnings, even if they lead only to small endings.

i have been to places the past week, places that i would not have known people from, had it not been for the skills that are in me.  i do not anymore wonder why i have these skills or how i know them, i trust that they are in me so i can meet my purpose.

that week, i was asked to see the crochet skills of women in pasacao, a fishing village north of where i live, some forty kilometers away.  i was also tasked to suggest other materials that can be incorporated in the craft so that it would have some market appeal.  i started early as it has been ages since i was last there, when i was in the sixth grade and  the class went for a swimming excursion.  

the first sight that greeted me was this long lonely road, and i thought, this indeed may be a long lonely path am taking. nobody seems to want to get involved, or just maybe i have not met the person who would want to trek the same path? bwahahaha!

the place where the training would take place was in a room on the second floor of a dilapidated building, the stairs to it was substandard, i had to watch my steps or else the floor will find me. bwahahaha!  the room had air-conditioning, also an open door that lets out the cool air. bwahahaha!  i had to fan myself cool all the time.

i came to know some women, and three in particular stood out, to have the best skills among the group.  by the end of the training day, i left them with some fabrics they can work on and set a date for a follow up meeting.

last friday was that follow up meeting day.  true enough, they came and brought the pieces of fabrics i asked them to work on.  

not after julie and i silently had doubts that they would make good their word. bwahahaha!  thomases, are we. i was quite impressed with not only the improved quality of the stitches, but also of their determination to make this project work.  i see in their eyes the longing to do something and make something they can call their own.

 i have always been hopeful that this may give them the start of a livelihood, but i have to hold off my high hopes, or is it okey if i hope high?  

for this weekend, i know this for sure:  when i seek to grasp for bigger and wider, i am made to remember how much i should also treasure smallness, simplicity and soul space.

whenever i do these training, and share my gifts to the rural women, i know i always would carve out a sense of myself in them.  and in turn, i carve out your presence in them, too.

thank you for the chances that i am given to share these gifts.  life is good!  bwahahaha!