alone and loving it

miedo, miedo. . .
de alguna manera, 
era lo que sentia.
para enfrentar 
mis mananas solos.
hoy, como supongo que todos. . .
me parece que,
mi mayor temor,
es en realidad 
mi mayor regalo.

(frightened, terrified. . .
somehow, it was how i felt.
to face my morrows alone.
today, as i take it all in. . .
i find that my biggest fear,
is actually my greatest gift!)

sometimes, perspectives change without consciously knowing it.  as a young girl of 12, i remember being alone the very first time, when my father passed away two days before christmas eve (this very day 37 years ago).  i was not even aware then, how it was with my mother, when she was left with three young kids to tend to.  

 as i grew up (notice up not old. bwahahaha!) and became a woman, the being alone became my biggest fear.  i did not want to live alone.  i did (still do) not want to die alone (still working on that).  and this very christmas that i fear spending alone, lets me know one thing-being alone is a gift! bwahahaha!

i was trying to write my christmas post, but my fb status was eliciting some comments about my being alone and that kinda made me think:  does my being alone on christmas eve, make me lonely?

well, i definitely underwent a mental and emotional process. bwahahaha!  i realized that all my life, i have been longing for love and what i did not understand, is that, longing for love outside of myself was never going to be satisfying.  within me, there is this well of love so deep and so giving and so nurturing, yet, somehow, i do not see this for the self!  it seemed i have built a wall between it and myself, hoping that someone would come along who could tear the wall down. i have looked at that love and thought it was totally inaccessible to me.

through time and experiences, i have, without knowing it, been removing pieces of that wall: healing my sore places, letting go of anger, guilt and shame.

and slowly, i come to grips with the very best gift i have ever been given.  the gift of being alone! bwahahaha!  

merry christmas, everyone!