goodbye B

i know B.

i spent years listening, paying attention to her.  i woke up to the sound of her voice in the morning, calling me from a too-full calendar.  i drifted off, floated to sleep with her whispering, murmuring in my ear that everything still had not been enough.
B is not especially nice nor pleasant, but i kept her around. for a long, long time.
because she told me this:  i am proof, evidence that you are important.  if you do not have me in your life, what will people think?

so i put up with her demands, her weight.  bwahahaha!  her bossiness, her accusations, all those blames.
then, over time, i slowly stopped listening to her.  i noticed, my calendar got cleaner, though not spotless.  my breaths got deeper, though not bottomless.  my life got better, yes, maybe even the best.

this morning, sitting over my journal with a cup of coffee in my hand (a luxury of time i denied myself for years), i took a moment to consider what had changed.  what had i started believing instead?  who am i living with now?  now that B is gone?

i realized at some point i had heard you whisper this to my heart:  your work is not your worth.
and day by day, i had begun to believe like it was true - and then eventually to start acting like it, too.
this morning, i asked quietly, what is my work, then?
and i wrote this:  my work is an expression of love for you.

my eyes started to well with tears, grateful tears, again.  for who but you can change a heart that much?
but somehow it had happened.  and it has changed everything for me.
oh, i still struggle.  yes.  i would be lying if i did not tell you there were still days of being overwhelmed.  but more and more of the time, B is not around.
when she is not with me, i am not sure where she goes. . . and am worried she may have snuck off to bother you.

so if she is there, let me tell you:  she is not what she seems.  and she cannot deliver what she promises.  escort her to the door and lock it behind you.  you do not need her.
you are loved, chosen, valued already and just as you are.
am saying good bye to B and smacked her on the behind as she heads out the door.  silly B.

do not worry about her - she will find more to do.
and you?  find that journal and cup of coffee.  walk the green path twice today.  listen to the blue jay, am sure she misses you.  look up and watch the narra blossoms drop like yellow summer snow. . .then sit down with the author of life who is waiting to write new things on your heart. . .and your calendar.

ps.  in case you wonder who B is, B is Busy, not bidibidi, ok?  bwahahaha!

ilysm!  i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥