what i know for sure

on sundays, i try to take time to think about stuff that i take seriously.   one of them is my gratitude list, another is my random reflections on my life's purpose.
amidst all the activities that seem to occupy every minute of my time, when i allow it, i find it necessary to stop, relax, take a deep breath and reflect.

after a great yesterday at the farm, enjoying and taking pleasure in the company of good friends and fellow artists, i believe, my gratitude list for the sunday will be as easy as abc.  bwahahaha!  

so i take a more serious note and went down more deeply,  and so here are my thoughts for the day, such a blessed sunday, this one.
in between my sunday thoughts and a great conversation with a lovely person, i have three things i know for sure:

1.  i was created for a purpose.  and so were you.
life is not meaningless.  and i did not evolve from monkeys, nor was there a big bang when i got created, or was there?  bwahahaha!  at least, i don't think so.
i am special and exceptional.  powerful and mighty, enchanting and magical.

i live in this world full of mystery, ambiguity, and unknown.  and it is full of meaning, worth, sense and value.  and it was intended to be that way.  although sometimes, i try to explain a lot, when i do not have to, causing me much stress and anxiety, i should just let Him be!  so i don't have to have a massage every now and then.  bwahahaha!  (oooops, malou, sorry!)

i am more than i realize, but still tragically, sadly flawed, blemished, imperfect.  (i do not need to belo, tho, as i am, i am more than just ok.  i get by.  bwahahaha!)  so there is plenty of room for humility and modesty, and failure.  heaps and loads of space to learn and grow - to become.

i hope i do, that i should discover, realize my innate and intrinsic dignity (not letting anybody push me around, oh no, not anymore)  and my inherent and natural glory.  (i am outstanding, also in the simplicity of the ordinary).  and somehow, though not always, miraculously, see it in others, too.

 

2.  the world has not seen what great art can do.  not yet.  so the task.
i think and believe words matter and count, and imagination illuminates and enlightens.  that beauty can heal a shattered soul.
i need more life and love in this world.  and less lies and lawyers.  (no offense to matt and jof.  you know you both are dear to me.  bwahahaha!)  i just want to see more paintings and books and less arguments and angry people.

i need more art - to be refreshed and rejuvenated.  i need this more than i can ever comprehend.  i need more poetry and less prose, more art and less advertising.
i need life.  i need friends.  i need sunsets, starlights and moonlights, long walks and late nights.  i need to sleep in and daydream, to eat hiro and cookies and cream for supper.
i need to find that child-like part of me that i lost long ago.
when i do, there will be no end to what i can accomplish.  with His help, i will become what i was meant to be, to live the life i long for.

3.  we are all broken, cracked.  but that doesn't excuse inaction.
everyone has pain.  everybody hurts.   i am not quite sure i will ever understand why.  and that's okay.  but i still need to act.  i still need to move - and be moved.  and so do you.

i cannot live for myself alone.  this will not satisfy nor please me, it will leave me and the world, feeling empty and hollow inside.

i was made for you and we were made for each other, not for teleseries or sitcoms, but real and raw community.  beautifully broken relationships, this is what will heal us.
and because i am willing, to be moved, to be touched, to engage the ball of bruised humanity i call it, i will come alive and find my true self.  it will be beautiful and ugly, all at the same time.  bwahahaha!

these are three things i know for sure.  they are only three.  there are , of course, others.  but these are enough for me.  enough to do something that matters today, sunday.

i hope i do.

ilysm!  thank you for the colours!  ♥ ♥ ♥

do i deserve better? duh?

there are moments when i catch myself having some profound conversation with the self.  most of the time, it happens when i am in the middle of a problem, a crisis, a dilemma.  on other times, it is only when i have some time alone, and quiet, that i go in deep reflective and meditative state.
and last night was one of the latter.
i was thinking about the way i have allowed and tolerated myself to be treated in the past, by certain persons, and i thought, i deserve better.  i am worthy of something, someone better.

now it is almost light, a new dawn is breaking, a new beginning.  funny that today is wednesday, just in the middle of a week, but when i woke up, that thought was still with me.  i deserve better, but i was thinking a little further, i have always deserved better.
but i have always been self-deprecating, always disparaging the self.  (stupid me!  there i go again!  bwahahaha!).

and this morning, i thought a little more, took it to another leap . . .i have just never thought i deserved better, i have always settled for what is.

coincidence somehow always hit me right when i need it.  i was just surfin', doin' nothin', nothin' doin' and i somehow opened my email and got this message from a friend.  i seldom open my email.  these days, all i get are notices that i have been tagged in a pic or mentioned in a note at fb.  but this morning, i have to open my email, why?  beats me!  bwahahaha!

so, in my email this morning, there was a message from one friend who sends me uplifting and enriching things and it said:  either lower your desires to match your expectations, or raise your expectations to match your desires.  

funny, too, that just the other day, one lovely person, in my tirade of being so disappointed because i was expecting something better from some different people in the art community, he tells me that i must not be expecting from other people because of personal differences.  yeah right.  well, am sorry, lovely person, all i thought was that i was expecting a very basic thing from very basic people - courtesy.

anyway,
i went back to the quote i got in the email, and really read it loud, and realized that i have unconsciously been doing for most of my life, the first part of the quote!  and it hasn't worked so well.  so, maybe, it's time to raise my expectations to match my desires?  duh?

i have been tortured for years, being told that i would never make it on my own, in my rural town, and for a while, i have actually believed it!  but eleven years going solo and eight years achieving, accomplishing and realizing and living my dreams, i think maybe, it's time for me to put away those voices and start listening to the one that comes to me in a soft and quiet way:

"you are precious in my sight, and i am well pleased with you.  as my divine creation, you deserve all that is good, right and holy.  do not settle for less."

all i can say. . .message received.

ilysm!  thank you for being in my life!  ♥ ♥ ♥

blessings

i wish you the blessings of the air...
a soft breeze to refresh,
enliven and rejuvenate you
a strong wind to lift 
and raise you up
great golden wings to enfold and embrace
and heal and restore you.

i wish you the blessings of fire...
a blazing, radiant torch
to light your path
a flaming, glowing sword
to protect and defend you
bright and shimmering sunlight
to shine upon you
and warm your kind and gentle heart.

i wish you the blessings of water...
a rushing and hurrying river
to carry you forward
the vast and immense depths of the sea
to bring you wisdom, understanding 
and good judgement
the soft sweet rain
to wash you tenderly, gently
and nourish and nurture you.

i wish you the blessings of the earth...
a sanctuary, a haven
to bring you to dawn
and securely hold you
the fertile and abundant soil
to nourish you
the green grass 
to lay soft under your tired feet.

may your journeying be holy.

happy birthday!

we made magic

we were not the only ones in the coffee shop, but we may as well have been.  we sat close at the small round table, white mugs between us.  not even a date, that was, but the sky, the heavens, was seven shades brighter than ever!  bwahahaha!  and love was ridiculous, silly in a good way.  i knew then that you wanted me, you sought me there, in that chair, leaned short across the table, placed your soft and rough hand on my arm, and spoke tha magic into the silence - how are you, really?

it was an invitation, a request to be honest, a loving, affectionate dare, a challenge to risk exposure, a call to intimacy, closeness.  and i had one of two choices to make:  i could tell you, or not.  isn't that always the choice?  let you see or i stay hidden.  speak or stay silent.  love or be safe.

that day, i chose visibility.  i chose to speak.  i chose to love.

i answered you, honest and true.  i looked you in the eye and gave myself permission to answer your questions.
and that moment, we made magic, you and i!

ps.  ilysm!  thank you for being in my life!
 

pointing green fingers

seriously, i am not that ancient!  i belong to generation x.  wikipedia has this to say about my generation:

"generation x, commonly abbreviated to gen x, is the generation boom after the western post-world war 2 baby boom ended.  while there is no universally agreed upon time frame, the term generally includes people born from the early 1960s through the early 1980s, usually no later than 1981 or 1982."

and because i am head over heels involved in this green thing, i was kinda touched by an article about pointing fingers regarding this green thing, the reason why i am sharing what i consider an interesting and a blatantly factual point of view from one of my generation:

"checking out the grocery store recently, the young cashier suggested i should bring my own grocery bags because plastic bags were not good for the environment.  i apologized and explained, 

'we didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days'.  the clerk responded, 'that's our problem today.  your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.'

she was right about one thing - our generation didn't have the green thing in 'our' day.  so what did we have back then?  after some reflection and soul-searching on 'our' day, here's what i remembered we did have. . .

'back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store.  the store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles repeatedly.  so they really were recycled.  

but we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

we walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building.  we walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
we didn't have the green thing in our day.
back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind.  we dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.  kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

back then, we had one tv, or radio, in the house - not a tv in every room.  and the tv had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of montana.  in the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.  when we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.  back then we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.  we used a push mower that ran on human power.  we exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.  

but she is right.  we didn't have that green thing back then.

we drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.  we refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.


people took the bus, and the kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.  we had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.  and we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint, etc, etc, etc. . ."


but we didn't have that green thing back then. . .

we had green hearts and green minds. . .


ps.  ilysm, you fill my life with colours, green included.  bwahahaha!

36. pink blooms

i have been lazing around the whole day.  it is sunday,  am i supposed to do that?  naah.  i can never get used to not doing anything!  why is it?  bwahahaha!  but i also recognize my need to rest!  is not that funny?  well, today, i succumbed.  i did what the rest of humanity does on a sunday.  bwahahaha!  

so while not feeling guilty about not doing anything (not exactly true, as i played with some creative ideas, too), i found it quite mysterious that i should grapple with my gratitude thoughts for this weekend.  i got hold of my cam and reviewed some shots i took at la huerta and there!  voila!  i got what i needed to have my gratitude post for this weekend.  sometimes, when i think so hard, the harder it is for my thoughts to come.  bwahahaha!  funny but true.
today, i am grateful for:

36. the pink wild blooms that make rosario's path beautiful this time of year.
i remember when i first saw the plant some seven years ago, during my morning walks to salvacion - san vicente.  i would always have paul with me then, who either drives my wrangler and follows me, (in case i get tired that i would need a ride back home) or brings a basket and a pair of shears for my botanical treasure hunts.  i would go down small streams, under the then unfinished bridge, so i can look up the high embankment and check for indigenous ferns and plants.  and on one of these hunting trips, i spotted this beautiful-looking plant with leaves having red underside.  i didn't know then, that it flowers.  

i asked paul to get some specimen for me, so i can adopt it and transplant it on the garden i was planting - now la huerta.  it was such a wonderful surprise to see my adopted plant grow and bloom during the cold months of dec - feb.

today, as i walked along rosario's path, the delicate pink blooms of my fave wild plant, whose name i have yet to know, never fail to make me smile and make the gray days brighter.  its beauty has undoubtedly made la huerta an eden.  
and so for this, i am grateful.  

ps.  ilysm i know you know it!  ♥ ♥ ♥

outpouring

i was standing last night, at the verandah, 
and looking, staring, gazing at the darkened orange and purple skies. . .

there is a new moon somewhere, but is just shy to be seen,
and i watched how the leaves of my tree dance to the cold jan winds. . .

and as i watch those, i let the cold air cut sharp through my worries, the sky beckon my soul out of its hiding place.
i poured myself a hot brew.

i was starting to feel the cold, i wrapped my hands around the warm cup,
laugh aloud in the celebrations of my life
and believe quietly in grace and truth.
sometimes, i find myself being pulled into the anxious future, but you, yes you, gather me back to now.
when my heartbeat quickens at the thought of my tasks, i surrender the list into your hands. . .

and i clearly see what happens.
when i do not have an answer, i humbly walk, head bowed down, with my question.
i know i am your miracle and one that never stops becoming, being. . .

my heart never ceases to sing my gratitude, for having you in my life.

ps.  ilysm.  thank you for the colours in my life.

stunning!

why do i blog?

 

it has been four years now since i posted my first entry on this, my blog, and like what other bloggers would say, i am celebrating my fourth blog.a.ver.sa.ry.  bwahahaha!

i guess one of the reasons i blog, is for me to have an outlet of sorts.  a way that i can try to explain, describe, illustrate some of what i think, what i believe and imagine, and what i feel, experience, suffer and undergo.

a justification for the way i behave?  maybe.

maybe i just feel i need to justify it to myself (only), give reasons for things and stuff in my life, to help it all make sense, have meaning and substance.

i think i just want to be understood, and this is a much more socially acceptable way than to scream my feelings and frustrations at people.  (believe me, i tried that and it served me no good!  bwahahaha!)

no matter what my good intentions and my happy activities have been, the christmas season has always been a difficult season to get through, as it is for most single people.  the world is designed for a set, a matching, corresponding pair:  good/bad, mother/father, light/dark, husband/wife, single/?  i go to a restaurant alone and hear "how many?"  and i am the only one standing there, and once again i am reminded of my aloneness, my seclusion, my solitude.  and i realize and know that it is unintentional, but it is still there.  i see families enjoying each other and although i am happy for them, it only serves to enhance my aloneness.

for me, the holidays bring an added element of grief.  losing my father when i was but a twelve-year old and the passing away of my mother seven years ago now, always cast a shadow on those days for me.  suffice it to say, i am just not myself during the holidays.

this morning (1 jan 12), as i was journaling and praying and asking The Force for some peace, i received it.  a deeper understanding.  a soft inner voice spoke this to me:

i have been blessed and loved and the past year has been such a wonderful, breathtaking and amazing year for me.  of course, i was human all those past days, as i experienced every human emotion. . .every human frailty: 

anger, rage, irritation, annoyance.
temptation, lure, enticement.
lust, desire, yearning, ache.
all of it.  and i experienced it all.  
but what saved me from sinking, plunging and burying myself into the pit of self-destruction, 
is the thought that i have you! 
and having you in my life has made me want to show you just how much i love you with all my human frailties.  
and i had to experience pain, humiliation and injustice.
and i have to undergo through all these.
and in the end, i know, without any doubt,  that whatever i do, or think, or feel, i know that i love you.

stunning, isn't it?  and it makes it all worth it!

ps.  ilysm and i thank you for the colours, from the button of my heart.