the paradox of generosity

you find your life by losing it.

when i first began living generously, i felt like everything was coming undone.  it was stretching, stretching, stretching and uncomfortable.  but slowly, i began to realize that there is more to life than what i own and can hold onto.

i began to understand true abundance.  i started living.  and i live abundantly!  and it is simply amazing!

my first experience with this upside-down way of living was in 2008, just days before christmas.  then, i was a hand-to-mouth case of existence.  but of course i do not look like it, so now, i may be sounding untrue, but yes, it was true.

i was just starting my f.a.r.m. bracelets then.  i was in manila and had a few bucks to spare.  went scouring for old and vintage buttons, but the store i went to, cannot sell me their old stock because the owner was not there and will be back at the store late in the afternoon.  and i could not wait, i had my ticket back to baao and i needed to be at the terminal hours before the trip, one can never predict the traffic situation in manila.  but i had that feeling that just was making me uneasy, like if i went home then without meeting the store owner, i will regret it and will think about it for the rest of my life?  bwahahaha!  

so with the few bucks i have left, i took a cab back to divi and there, met the store owner who showed me a sack full of the buttons i was dreaming of using in making my bracelets.  i had to keep my glee to myself and tried hard to keep from salivating!  bwahahaha!  and she gave me such a good price, i wanted to buy all of it, but i checked and realized, i was still stuck with my truth of just having a few bucks handy.  bwahahaha!  so i decided to just buy a few and went back with my treasure.  i could hardly keep my hands off the pile!  i was going through it at the terminal!  maybe i looked like a mad woman, but i could not care less.  bwahahaha!

so when i got back home, i cleaned them up and started to sort them, line them up, weave them together and create my classic f.a.r.m. bracelets.  the most i can make then, was twelve pieces in a day.  i meant to give them away as gifts for christmas.

while i was in a state of euphoria, i got an unexpected visit from the wife of a relative.  when i asked her to come in, i saw she was in tears, begging me to lend her an amount to buy some medicine for her sick husband.  i could hardly keep back my own tears, so i went back to my room, looked deep inside my wallet and noticed i had a single bill of one thousand pesos.  without much thought, i gave it to her.  after the bill left my grip, i was taken by fear!  where will i get my next buck from?  what have i done?  bwahahaha!  

but i did not ask to take it back, oh no.  i gained back full trust right away and knew i will not be forsaken.  little did i know then, that that meeting and act of generosity will bring me heaps and loads of grace and abundance.  turned out that she would help me make my bracelets, and had her whole family working for me, making my beautiful bracelets and sure enough, suddenly, i had a booming business!  the rest is history.  

now, f.a.r.m. by bidibidi enterprise is in the annals of phenomenal business successes and is now known for being a social enterprise.

why am i suddenly writing about this?  it has been three years now, and i wanted to revel in that precious memory.  i got reminded by my f.a.r.m. story just now, because this morning, my brother was here and asked if i could help him pay for tuition fees for my nephew and niece who belong to the graduating classes, so they need to take their finals earlier than the rest.  and i looked, again, deep down my pockets and could not find a single buck to spare and give him.  i was so downhearted to have to send him back empty handed, and my tears were rolling down before i could reach my room.

but i know i will have a miracle today.  and i had.  just between the time my brother left this morning and now, i had two guests who bought my f.a.r.m. bracelets, the amount just enough for me to tell my bro we will pay the tuition tomorrow.  just in the nick of time.

generosity has been my way of life.  while i still struggle with holding on, i am learning that the finer things in life cannot be purchased.  they can only be discovered - through generosity.
sometimes, i still find myself unwilling to give, because i still get scared.  and i go back to believing that life is all about me.  and on these times, i feel so empty, never satisfied, always searching.
but i always get back to my core belief.  the more you give your life away, the more you find it.

when i wake up each morning, i sing a love song (my diego makes me do that.  bwahahaha!).  i live with the intentionality and audacity.  i live generously.

it's not easy, and it does not come naturally.  but it is how i was created to live.  it is the only way - i am quite convinced of this - that i can find the satisfaction i have been searching for.

while there are legitimate health, business and psychological benefits to generosity, the most important one is this:  it gives my life meaning.

so what are you waiting for?  i dare you to be generous!

thank you for making me live a life of careless abundance!  
ilysm!  ♥ ♥ ♥