purpose

i just came from a meeting, make it several meetings, in naga city.  on the bus ride home, i could not help but think about stuff.  i always look forward to my bus rides, they give me time to think and reflect, reason why i do not really engage in chats while on board.  and this evening, while i was feeling the cool breeze through the open window caress my face, i could feel some tears streaming down it, reasons of which i would rather keep to myself.  but somehow, that led me to think hard, really hard and tried to find some answers to my question.  i have been thinking, what is really the purpose?  it seems everywhere i go, someone is discussing their life's purpose, or asking me, what is my life's purpose?  and to be honest, i really do not know.  well, did not know.  the only thing i ever really wanted to be in life, was a wife and a mother, and both seemed to have been deprived of me.  i just think myself out of the gloom of it with: maybe i would not have been great at either one of them.  bwahahaha!  yeah right.

so, what is my purpose?

while not being able to write down on the journal (it is hard to write when the bus i am on makes sudden jerks and jolts), my thoughts about the question, i am pounding my lappy's keys right now, lest i forget those thoughts.  and i came up with a pretty amazing answer.  (at least i think it is amazing!)  the emptiness that i feel. . . i think is the loss that my soul feels when it suffers separation from its source.  (not that we are truly separate, but when this human experience of feeling bad and alone hits me, it can feel like we are separate.)  and that feeling of being separate from the force is what creates those feelings of longing and restlessness. . .like something is missing in my life.

so, how can i soothe that feeling of barrenness, meaninglessness, emptiness?  it was elusive, at first, maybe because i was refusing to know and accept, but i soon came to realize, appreciate and comprehend, that this is where my creative process comes into play, as my way to connect myself even more fully with the force.  when i commit my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, and yes, even my sorrow and despair, that also sometimes visit me, when i put them on paper or canvass, i share a bit of my holy relationship with those who see and experience them.  also even when they remain unseen or unheard of, still, that holy energy is released into the world.

my purpose then, is to soothe my soul with an outpouring of mysticism from the force.  and if it has no other value than that. . .then it is the most valuable thing i have.

so in gratitude, inspite and despite. . . i go on.