49 in retrospect

i am in my reminiscent mood today, well, just because it is my birthday.
i remember when i was in my late teens and early twenties.  i was such a passionate and reckless lost soul.  i seriously had no clue! i blamed certain people (i blamed my mother, for being too strict and for listening a lot to what other people tell her about me. my father, too, for passing away too soon!)  for my lack of direction, and occasional bad behaviour.  and i thought i had good reasons to do so.  i read magazines with lots of quizzes in them and answered each question sincerely, hoping to discover how sexy, or romantic, or likeable i was. . .or was not, as was sometimes the case.

in retrospect, i do not think my youth was not normal.  young people often find themselves feeling lost and rebellious, even teachers' kids, and sometimes, especially teachers' kids.  it took some hard knocks for me to finally gain my footing on the right path, and i hurt people along the way, for which i am truly sorry.  i learned lessons the hard way, but i am not sure there is any other way to learn them.
i am glad those turbulent years are over.  aging, certainly has its downside (that is another story for another day), but aging has a way of clarifying things that once seemed obscure.  i gained wisdom, for one thing.  and do not be misled.  wisdom and knowledge are not synonymous.  wisdom comes through living and learning and seeking The Force's guidance.

i wish i could say that i have learned all of life's lessons well.  
i have not.
i wish i could say that i have never made the same mistake twice.
i cannot.
but, i have learned a few things.  for example - yehey!!!! - i no longer need to take a quiz to know who i am.  i am not always pleased with the woman in the mirror, but at least i am no longer in the dark.  i know who i am - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.

aging has also taught me that even if i did not get the life i once envisioned for myself - you know, the one with the flawless husband, the house on the prairie, the three perfectly behaved children - i can still have a wonderful life.  it all comes down to three things:  the choices i make, the attitude i possess, and the way i respond to whatever the seasons bring me.
i would be less than honest if i said there are not brief moments when i feel a bit yearning for a younger self, when time and the world seemed endless.  when defining choices had not yet been made,  when children played hide and seek in the HaHaHa park.  when forty seemed old.
but if aging has taught me anything, it is this:  when all is said and done, i cannot go back in time.  i cannot be younger, or more innocent.  life cannot be lived backwards.  the wheels of change keep on turning.  and the only way to get most out of life is by moving forward, living fully in the present.

these are my thoughts on this last day of my forties.  i look forward to living my fifties.  bwahahaha!




ilysm!  thank you for being in my life! ♥ ♥ ♥