am not cut out for this

bang called me this afternoon, she just got back from bora.  that signals it!  i hang up the phone and see am still shaking!  that was supposed to be a nice call!  the entourage will be visiting tomorrow, and i got la huerta ready for 'em.  and, as i have announced in sept, there will be a bigger announcement in feb!  bwahahaha!  this is it!

am not cut out for this.  i try to distract myself with the taping frank and i were minutes away from doing.  we are on our media spree about our feb arts month celebration in baao.  but i cannot ignore my heart pitter-pattering!  my hands were getting cold and starting to sweat!  i dare not hold frank's hands, nor jof's.  queer eyes might just see differently.  not that i care, but still.  thank god, my armpits do not sweat, if they do, has anyone seen a darker shade of black?  that would have been the colour of my black shirt.  bwahahaha!

finally, i sit and try to reason it away.  i have done countless talks by now, why do i still get nervous?

but i do and i wish i could talk my way out of it.  francis asked me to do this months ago.  i was hoping he had forgotten, well, not about me, bwahahaha!, but about this talk thing.  although bang reminds me every so often that francis just does not forget that easily.  

the talk assigned to me will be over by 8 minutes and i consider this blessed life am so thankful for but didn't quite plan on, exactly.  there is no such thing as just to inspire!  i need to be a good communicator in all aspects of the word - speak, verbalize, articulate in a single sweatless talk!  

and bang tells me francis has said i was articulate!  omg!  how did i ever give him that impression?  bwahahaha!  must be the effect of the lemon grass juice i served him when i first met him at my eden.

am not cut out for this.  and even as i say it, i hear you whisper, no, you are not cut out for this.  you have been placed in!  bwahahaha!  you really said that, sure as the way i stumbled and uh'd my way through an extemporaneous speaking contest when i was in hs.  bwahahaha!  that surely was such a sweaty episode.  bwahahaha!

but tonight, while i was nervously thinking and sweating it out with my fan on full blast and in this cold feb night, you remind me that i have been placed in.  no, not cut out.

life is sure scary, and tasks daunting.  i think you find delight in finding me in places where i do not feel cut out to succeed.  bwahahaha!  and that is where you invite me to remember - that shaky mess i turn into every time i am asked to speak to an audience, is a reminder that i am desperate to depend in a source other than myself.

ok, you win!  all i can say, 
again. . . message received.   
bwahahaha!

ilysm!  sweaty, shaky and all!  thank you!  ♥ ♥ ♥