walking down the end of 2011

it was a day of quiet, a party tailor-made for introverts (though am a certified extro.  bwahahaha!), my own idea of best-day-ever.  

manilyn's bro albert came and picked her up to stay with their parents.  nicco is with her family, too, looking after her youngest sis, while jam takes care of their sick mom.  cris left for his island-home to spend christmas with his grandmother, who raised him since he was but a tot, after both his parents passed away.  jason stays with his young family and wife, who just gave birth to twins, yesterday morning.  sandy begged for a dayoff, he wants to celebrate the birthday of his youngest son. . . 

and so i had hours all to myself.  i forget how much i need it, the time.  the quiet.  the space.

i do not know how it is with you, but with me it is like this:  i put a lot of pressure on alone.  (however ironic it sounds, as i am alone, single, unattached, i never seem to have time alone for the self).  maybe it is because i spend so much time craving it, and so when it comes, i try to suck the life out of it.  i fail to let it breathe, when breathing is the very thing i need.  

i thought of the coming new year, how it is always the same, a run of the mill, but oh, so different, dissimilar.  i had planned to spend time planning (reason why i need that much-coveted starbucks planner.bwahahaha!). and praying about what lies ahead, about things that may make me twisted up and anxious and unfree.

finally, i surrendered to the quiet.  instead of planning and dealing with issues, i spent some time reading.  i read steve joy (thanks to the lovely person who lent the book to me), i read some posts by friends and a little about journal spilling (right, spilling.)  i read some of my previous journal entries, too, and how i enjoy doing that!  i was actually laughing!  bwahahaha!  the freedom of expression at its best!  

and before i knew it, my tired feet were heading towards the paths to my haven, leading to my refuge.

and in what most of you will call waste of time, one good person would call it beautiful waste of time, i walked.  and listened.  and captured the day happening around me.  The Force stands on his head, you know.  just when i think i finally have time to figure things out, he quiets me, instead.  just when i think it is my chance to pour out, i realize i have nothing i need to say.  no reason for me to weep.  i am so blessed and loved.

there can be fear, fear that the time i have is spilling through my fingers without a single minute counting, because i haven't written a goal, have not solved a problem, have not strung one word into two.  but there is great comfort in knowing that as i walk, he walks with me.  he reminds me that it is not about dealing with my problems, it is about remembering that he has already dealt with them.  it is about knowing and believing and receiving.

as this year quietly blends into the next, a week from now, i pray that i would find permission to be with him.  not necessarily for hours on end, but for time enough to push through the shame of inactivity that threatens to overwhelm when i let myself be still.  and in that place of quiet existence, i pray to be engulfed and swallowed up with a sense of belovedness.

and for the beautiful persons in my life:  thank you for your words, your reassurances, your humor, your wisdom, your youth.  may the new year bring more beautiful conversation and may the force provide you and me a place for our souls to breathe. . .  

ps.  thank you for the colours!  ilysm!