dealing with the green-eyed monster

“our envy of others devours us most of all.”—Alexander Solzhenitsyn



the merriam-webster dictionary defines envy as:
“painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another,
joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”
it’s no surprise that a fair number of people are suffering a spell of envy.
the combination of people losing their jobs (or husbands)
and position in society with so many still caught up in the modern obsession with being ‘somebody’,
would almost guarantee it,
let alone the extra spur of learning almost daily how much
the rich and powerful have been taking for themselves.



envy is also built into the modern belief
in competition as an essential spur to success.

what drives competition save some level of envy of the winners?



and if envy can be a positive motivator in some cases, as it can,
mental health statistics and reports also point in a different direction,
showing how envy can become the catalyst that leads to depression, resentment, malice and deep-seated negativity and eventual dementia, melancholia.



competition works for the winners.
envy has least impact on those who already ‘have it all’.
for the rest, it’s usually negative in the extreme.

envy isn’t about others. it’s about you.



the underlying energy around envy is twofold:
both wanting what others have and
dwelling on what you suspect may be wrong with you.
it’s a place smelling of self-loathing and self-pity.
it’s a spur to feeling ‘less than’ and focusing on what you don’t have.
lack attracts lack.
caught up in a downward spiral of envy,
you’re steadily moving backwards, sowing more seeds of doubt about your real worth.
the corrosive power of envy comes from this accompanying sense of deficiency.
like an ulcer, it eats away at you.
it runs your life and builds frustration.
it warps your perspective, making you want to ‘get even’ with anyone who even seems to have more than you.
it is completely self-destructive.
in the throes of envy,
you either obsess about ways to prop up your ego,
or plan how to denigrate others for having what you imagine you ought to have too. either way, it’s a lose:lose proposition.



envy is never, never really about the other person.
it’s about you and your own sense of self-criticism and failure.
few of us realize we are our own target when it comes to envy, but it’s true.
only the person who believes, deep down, that he or she is a failure will be envious of others.



only the loser wastes time imagining how it would feel to see the winner knocked off that long-for pedestal.



people who are taken over by envy spend much of their time gossiping, bullying, spreading nasty rumors or quietly reveling in others’ mistakes.
secretly, they want others to fail because they imagine this will make them feel better about themselves.



envy quickly erodes relationships, eating away at intimacy, openness and connection. how can you deal fairly with others if you are simultaneously plotting how to ‘bring them down a peg or two’?

bohol - a rendezvous with nature

endangered tarsier






"manmade" forest


chocolate hills


wind-swept pine


a calm sea

friends and non

ma used to tell me that when i look back in my life, and can tot up the number of true friends i have on one hand, then i am lucky, indeed...

i didn't get it at the time. i was the type who wanted to be everybody's friend. the terms "bad," "loser," "user," and most important "acquaintance," or “non-friends” hadn't even entered my mind yet. i hadn't lived enough yet. i hadn't been back-bit or kicked in the back enough yet. the world was rosy, and i saw it through rose-colored glasses back then.



age and experience, however, made me see and understand, slowly, what she meant. i believe i've finally learned the difference between a "friend" and a "non." here are a few differences i've noticed.

a friend doesn't have a timetable for you to go by. they make time for you, even if it's just five minutes. a non gives you a a program, expect you to follow it and might be around when you need them. then again, they might not. all depends on where they are in their individual minds.



a friend includes you in their lives. you don't have to ask. you don't have to invade. the standing invitation is there. a non often makes plans behind your back. you don't find out until later that they had a party, they saw you in the mall but were "busy". sometimes, you even read about it. strangers on their myspace pages, blogs and forums find out before you do. sad, but true.



a friend knows what initiative is. you don't have to call them. there is no cat and mouse game. if they think of you, they call you. likewise, if you think of them, you call them. without any notice.



a friend is there in the sunshine and also when it rains. when you hurt, they hurt. when you celebrate, they are right there with you. a non have to check their date book, they have to clear their schedules, they have to ask their spouse and, occasionally, you might get lucky. don't hold your breath though...

finally, a friend takes you as you are. they may disagree with some of it (me and my friends Ritzie, Tootsie, Anne, even Bumble are always debating on issues) but they love me just the same. i don't have to pretend for them. i don't have to change for them. and, if i decide to change on my own, i don't have to explain myself to them.



unfortunately, in the fast-paced world we live in, i have very few friends and many nons. nons whom i thought were friends. then, i found out different. the phone calls decreased. the visits fizzled. and i am left with pictures and memories of a friendship that once burned so brightly. now, just an ember, an afterimage of my glory days.





so, i begin a quest to make new friends. hopefully, the real thing this time and not just the illusion of it. after all, life is short and when the time comes and people look at your tombstone, it's the dash between the two dates that makes all the difference. i don't want to waste another minute.

i grieve with you

i look at my forest
after this morning's rain,
lush and fresh and green. . .

the ferns dance to the cool breeze blowing.

i look at the sky
it's grey. . .
rain is looming.

as my tears threaten to fall,

i am with you. . .

in your grief
in your sadness

i love you. . .

on dreaming and being the dream

dream lofty dreams, and as you dream,
so shall you become.
your vision is the promise
of what you shall one day be;
your ideal is the prophecy
of what you shall at last unveil.
- James Allen



let’s be real - having dreams can be difficult
in the face of reality.
sometimes the demands of everyday life -
work, family, money, etc.
- can make it hard not only to achieve dreams,
but even to think of them.

but that is not the case with Emily.

like many school kids of Baao, Emily dared to dream.
and now she is the dream.



i have not really been close to her,
what with the generation gap!
(don’t ask me my age, but if you insist,
i will tell you. Do you insist now?
ok.
i will be 46, 17 days from now.
w.o.w.
am proud to be a 46-er.)
but when Jane asked her if she could be my F.A.R.M. girl,
she right away, without hesitation,
without questions, said yes!
i was actually surprised, she said yes, i mean,
she is all that and more,
all those credits i have seen on Broadway posters,
and words i have heard about her.
why will she say yes?
i am a doubter, no doubt.



so while i was downloading the gorgeous pictures she was sending me,
so i could launch her to be my F.A.R.M. girl,
i was put on a reflective mood/mode, whatever. . .
and TG, Jane was online, otherwise,
i would be talking alone, as most of the time i do
(not that i am losing it,
but that am alone most of my time).
so, like any other time that i am in my introspective state,
questions bombard me unpityingly.
and like most times,
the Force does not answer me back,
no,
not with human words.
he leaves me in my thoughts and trusts
that i will come up with the right realizations.
afterall, he equipped me with my conscience and my will,
so,
what else would i need?
those are the only two things we have that he cannot meddle with,
even if he is the Force.

am i blabbering nonsense now? i think i am. not.

i asked Jane to help me with an answer,
all i could get from her were:
“am crying right now”.
hah! just when you needed an intelligent friend,
she fails you.
but this goes beyond intelligence,
i think,
i believe.
we were so touched by Emily’s gesture and willingness,
we were really groping for words.
we were muted by our emotions, otherwise,
we would be all words and no substance.
trust me on that.



and so i savored the moment
and savored the images of Emily.

to me, Emily is a dream
and a dream that is now a reality.
that is how i would like to see it.
her talent, her fame, her time, her beauty
she shares not only with me,
but with the world, with Baao.
i wanted her to be my F.A.R.M. girl,
because i wanted the kids of Baao to dream,
and dream big.
she is an epitome of dreaming and being the dream.

i am a dreamer and a realist, all rolled in one.
i dream of a beautiful Baao.
as the consummate dreamer i have had to learn to deal with this dilemma:
of having dreams and being realistic.
there is a constant battle for my attention
between my dreams and the pull of life’s reality,
of Baao’s reality.
my dreams typically remain just that, dreams.
life has had to win over the abstract.



this being said, it is my dreams that keep life interesting.
i suppose they would be defined as fantasy in a technical sense
but i do not plan on giving up on them.
it is certainly possible to live in both worlds
providing we keep, as a lot of you would put it,
“our feet on the ground”.

while i may never realize my dreams of Baao,
they have impact far beyond fantasy.
dreams spawn creativity,
allowing us to achieve much more than we could otherwise.
it is the old “shoot for the stars and you may hit the moon” saying.

i think my dreams can allow me an escape
from the drudgery of reality when i need to.
if i dream, i dream big!
and so should you.
we must dream for ourselves,
and not stop there.
we must dream far beyond ourselves,
beyond the confines of our comfort zones.

it is not that i don’t think i could realize many of the dreams
i have chosen not to pursue beyond thought.
like most, i have had to prioritize
what is most important in life
and that is not always following our dreams.
it is what it is.

i cannot shift back to my unreflective mood/mode,
no,
not yet.
i welcome all these tears.
i may sound unbidibidi now,
i assure you,
this is very bidibidi.

D.R.E.A.M.

savoring success

when success comes my way,
i take time to take pleasure in the rewards they bring. . .
i brew myself a cup of my fave blend,
and permit the aroma conquer my room. . .
my enjoyment
sets the stage for even greater successes.

when i have achieved something,
big or small:
a closet declogged,
buttons sorted,



a pile of documents filed,





a class taught,
a community served,
the Force dealt with. . .



when it is completed,
i allow myself a well-deserved feeling of satisfaction.
it motivates me to work
toward that same kind of satisfied feeling
again and again. . .



i enjoy the fruits of my efforts,
and i am thankful that i chose to create new value
and that i persisted in doing so. . .



each success brings to me new and greater possibilities.
sincerely enjoying my success
is a perfect way to open my eyes to new potentials.



i remind myself,
in a pleasant and unforgettable way,
why i worked my way through all the difficult challenges. . .
i let the joy of fulfillment empower me
to reach even higher,
greater heights, loftier ideals, purpose. . .




i enjoy the good things that i have done. . .
and more will soon be on the way. . .

kurt joebert barrameda barandon - gone too soon

i met kurt joebert three years ago,
he was just fresh from grade 6 at ibyang’s rlc.
i was in my fourth year directing and managing the estudiantinas de la soledad de baao,
then, it was a mere group of about 40 young and eager musicians,
or shall i say, music enthusiasts.
more appropriately, estudiantinas,
as they are called) donate their musical geniuses or otherwise,
for ina, during the good friday night procession.


2006 - kurt (in blue, on the left) practicing with oliver and other estudiantinas

kurt was small for his age,
and i was even doubting if he would last the whole length we have to walk,
or finish the procession which goes around the baao poblacion,
while playing the banduria.
i am a doubter, no doubt.
but he did! with flying colors!


2008 - kurt (in green, front row, second from left) with the strings section of the group

high school brought him to a national science high school in partido,
i have always been prompted by how good he was doing in school.
(i love hearing about my estudiantinas, especially regarding academic excellence, as part of my daily ‘sermon’ to them when we meet for practice, is how to be a good student, and a good citizen of the earth.)


2008 - kurt (2nd row, 2nd from right) with the Estudiantinas, performing @ St. Bartholomew Parish Church


2008 - during the Good Friday Soledad procession

there was a time when his father was knocking at my door to borrow a banduria which he will use in one of his performances at his school.
i don’t normally lend out my musical instruments,
but a number of people called me to vouch for him.
i really didn’t need their assurance, i had total confidence on kurt.

this year, the estudiantinas practiced early.
we held a concert for a cause, and it was successful – a sold out event.
kurt was one of the few that i included in my short list of members that i would need to perform during the concert,
but he couldn’t make it, as he would only come home to baao, to his parents, during the weekends.
but i was assured by his mom he would join this year’s soledad.

just last thursday, melony, my usec, went to their place and confirmed with his mom, that he would be joining us for practice that weekend.

but we could only plan and wish,
The Force had better plans for him.
on the same day, he passed away. he is gone.



i was shocked, i couldn’t control tears running down my cheeks.
he is too young to be gone.
i couldn’t believe it.
i had to gather my thoughts and muster all the faith i can,
not to question His will.
but i do question –

WHY?

no answer seem bold enough to speak, i leave it at that.
i can only accept his fate.

now, i feel sorrow,
i am sad. . .
because i have lost a son.
i may not be a mother in the normal meaning of the word,
but i declare motherhood over my estudiantinas,
despite, maybe, smiles or raised eyebrows?



i was at the wake last night,
i cried. . .
and mourned. . .

i will miss kurt.
i grieve.
let me.