equally important

 
i was in several meetings the past few days.  as you read this, i am probably at the farm, conferring with buddies, sipping coffee (the upcoming movie shoot is giving me unnecessary jitters), and praying my four sewing machines do not act up.
but before another day of busy-ness, i pause and reflect and think about all these events that unfold right in front of me.  especially the time when i commune with rural women and share ideas.  we talk, laugh, share, talk, laugh, sing, etc, etc, etc.

on the outside, i believe i know how to look confident in front of all these folks, yet inside, i often ask myself questions like:  am i really enough?

i try to answer that by finding a way to validate my existence (or maybe that is just unique to me?bwahahaha!)

in college, that might have been by trying to "fit in" and as a grown-up, i also added being the perfect partner, co-worker to the list.  and at meetings like the one i had with my RIC group, it is often an accomplishment - getting a resolution passed, or having more speaking engagements - that i think will finally make me feel worthwhile.

without even realizing it, i find myself striving to be more, to be bigger (not that i am small, bwahahaha!)  to make sure i get noticed.  and yet, i am learning more each day that you call me to the small, the quiet, the humble.

does that mean i am supposed to avoid all the attention or step away from the opportunities that come along the way?  no.  i believe it is how i order my priorities (and stay sane) in the process.  my ambition is to live quietly -  to love those beside me, to do my work with excellence, and to be faithful and focused on the duties assigned me.  

i do not think quiet is about volume. i believe it is about the state of my heart.  it is my choosing not to strive, to resist restlessness, to push back the urge to shout to the world, "please recognize i am important!"

time may decide to put me in the spot light.  i may have to stand on stage in front of millions.  or maybe, just do something entirely different.  i may just have to stand among my trees in the middle of my forest and listen to the birds sing. bwahahaha!

all are equally important platforms.
so, i let my heart go quiet today, in the midst of the chaos this scheduled shoot has been creating in my soul.  i breathe deep and know i am where i am supposed to be.  i do not have to validate my existence or my importance.  that has already been done.  

and it is in moments of quiet that i can best hear you say what my heart truly longs for most, what no other words or dream or accomplishment can ever replace.

thank you.  ilysm!  ♥ ♥ ♥

surrender

there are just moments when i feel i have had enough!  (been labelled, called names, got missent messages, used, abused, etc, etc, etc).  when i feel that way, i just give up.

yes, you heard me right.  i stand below my towering trees, sometimes, beside a huge bamboo shoot, amidst the greens, raise my hands as high as i can.  i turn my palms up toward heaven and just say:  am done!  i am handing it all over, giving up!

then i ask, what do you want to give me in return?  as if someone is there to listen and provide an answer.  (hmmm, well, on second thought, i know there is someone who listens. . .and answers.)

this brings to mind:  i am a strong person!  and it is hard for me to think like this.  there is always that nagging feeling like i need to prove i can handle this.  there is this fear of feeling weak or out of control.

now, though, this is what i know for sure:  the bravest thing i can do is not to just keep going.  sometimes, the most courageous act is surrender.  sometimes, true strength is knowing when to give up.

thank you! ♥

embracing rest

it has always been a struggle for me.  i find it so difficult to rest and do small things. if i took time to play with my fb games, or just watch a show on tv, flip through a mag, i would feel a twinge of guilt. i would hear a voice inside me: shouldn't you be doing something more prolific, significant, amazing?

some days, i could swat the thought like a fly and carry on, but on days that are not as good, i would get up and work myself into a frenzy, my crew just cannot keep up with me.  i think it is my way of trying to prove my worth?

yet over time, i have had some awareness, and i began to change my mind set about small things in life. i realize when i pause for rest, to play, to laugh, to enjoy a leaf, a bloom, an insect or the rain. . .it is my act of worship.  those small things declare the big truth:  he is in control, and i am not.  and i trust him enough to manage every minute of my life.

i humble myself and do "human" things, after all, i am human, not god.  bwahahaha!

and there is definitely no cause for feeling insecure because i know who i belong to.  and i do not need to prove it again and again by how much i can produce.

so i take this day to rest and do small things, i.e., clear my mind of clutter and just enjoy the deconstruction i have been meaning to do, while i listen to some great music and the occasional chirping of my avian friends, at my farm.

after a bit of reflection, i understand that when i rest, i show to the world how i believe you treat me.  so i embrace the small and i dare to rest.  bwahahaha!  

life is good!  and ilysm! ♥ ♥   

simple is always enough

 a lot of times, i feel am being pushed to strive for "more."  even in my faith it can feel that way.  everyday, i step into the demands with all the good intentions - all i want is to make the most of this one life you have given me.  but then, i find myself weary and wondering if you are disappointed with me, because i just cannot keep up.  i cannot be "enough."

i have to be the best sister, aunt, teacher, guru, girlfriend (bwahahaha!)  or i will be a disappointment.  i must impact the most lives of those in need or i fall short.  i should produce more than anyone else or i am wasting my talents, my gifts.

i realize now, more than ever, that this mindset is rooted in a culture that says:  more is better.  and biggest is best.

 but it is not your way, instead, you want me to specifically, strategically, simply do what you put me on earth to do.

i read from somewhere that "handiwork" is actuallly more accurately translated as "poem"  and poems are not about "more is better."  instead, they are about intentionally, carefully, beautifully placed words to create something one-of-a-kind.  and i know now, for sure, that my life is the same, you already know the poem and all you ask of me is love and obedience.

now, i embrace a life that is a simple poem, full of divine purpose and glory, and that, for sure, is always enough.

thank you!  ilysm!  ♥ ♥ ♥